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Crossing Zebra Lines

Bands in
black and white
across the path

Wish they
would rather
crisscross in life

Zebras
barricade
road to peace

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

Hello, Raj.
I was thinking and rereading.
The image in first stanza is powerful.
I can't relate to the rest.
I can't explain why I think that I don't want lines to cross.
Maybe because in my imagination crossing carries negative meaning.
Imagening zebra with messed up lines is not helping me either.
I would keep working on the image.
It is interesting and promising.
It connects the reader with simplicity of black and white, with good and bad days of life, with parallels that never destined to cross, with intersection on the road which is safe to cross, with a decision making moment.

Here is my collaboration offer. Do you want to submit a collaborated Sunku?

Bands in
black and white
across the path

Shall I
continue
am I strong enough?

Zebra -
barricade
of my doubts

I know I know there are five syllabi, but I like the way it sounds. Path-enough-doubts kind of make each other sound stronger.

IRiz

What's the significance of the hyphen after Zebra..please excuse my ignorance about these nitty gritties of poetry

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

It is often used in haiku
You can get the meaning if replace it by the words is like
In this case zebra is like a barricade of my doubts stops infront of me on my path which other less doubtful people might take as a cross walk and simply keep going .

Tired need a break. Untill later.

IRiz

Thanks dear IRiz for your analysis of the Sunku where I have attempted to just tickle the mind of the reader/s and let them imagine. perceive in whatever way they deem fit. However, it would be right to answer your query by sharing what stimulated this theme:-

a) May be the root cause of much violence, racism starts by dividing white and black (bands)
b) I used crisscross and not just cross. By crisscross i meant merging and not striking out as in cross. Meaning co-existing not as separated by color/race/ethnicity

I don't know if the above satisfies your query / make sense

You may have noticed that I have also attempted to shorten the syllabi count in a line or two

As for collaborating with an accomplished (at least much more than me) it would be a great privilege and thank you for the offer. I haven't had such an offer / opportunity before, so dont know the ropes / means of doing it...may be others use private messaging option.

Thanks again for your time, read, analysis and comments

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

you can post my version and add me as a co-author in the last window

IRiz

okie...dokie

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

But only if you like it!

IRiz

of course...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
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