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Cross-hairs

Submitted by Candlewitch on Tue, 2023-01-31 06:44

Long deep intake of breath
slowly expel out the mouth...
quiet steps following
from north country headed south.

Catching sight of my prey
in the blue ice field ,
Sun in his watering eyes
my position is now a shield.

Marksman behind him, zeroing in
slow intake of air, a silent breath...
Still as a statue, squint of one eye
squeeze of the trigger finds his death.

Another "hit" mastered and taken
a shot fired for freedom's cry,
the enemy lying bleeding, dying
another game of spy vs. spy!

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Editing stage:

Editing - draft

Contest:

Neopoem Of The Week January 29th to February 4th 2023

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Comments

Jackweb

Tue, 2023-01-31 13:38

Hello Cat!

Indeed, this piece is spot on. This is my favorite lines:

Catching site of my prey
in the blue ice field
Sun in his watering eyes
my position is now a shield

Wow! Personifying the sun to have a watery eyes is a very brilliant poetic style that makes the reader to imagine. Excellent work!
.

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

Candlewitch

Wed, 2023-02-01 09:52

dear Jack.

thanks for reading.

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Geezer

Wed, 2023-02-01 12:08

I will...

come back later or tomorrow, to this one. ~ Geez.
Okay, I'm back, it's tomorrow.

I like the sniper story.
The first line of the 2nd stanza has a typo. It should be [sight].
I get that the sun in the eyes could be a metaphor
about not seeing the position of the other warrior/sniper; not personifying
the sun.

The rest of it tells the story with brevity and it seems
a little shallowness; like it has to remain a distant part of the man's psyche,
or he will go mad. This could be any situation, not necessarily
a point in war. Good story well told. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Candlewitch

Wed, 2023-02-01 12:26

thanks Geezer,

thanks for the catch of the typo. and for your opinions. yes, it is meant to be a bit terse. this is something new I thought I would try. glad you liked it! would the term be marksman or markswoman?

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Geezer

Wed, 2023-02-01 13:11

I suppose...

that it depends upon your personal preference. If one is not too fussy about using sexual pronouns, I guess "man" will do, but in view of all the wokeness going on... I don't know. How would you rate the word "human"? Would you call the female of the species, "Huwomankind"? It seems a little extreme. Hugs back, ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Candlewitch

Thu, 2023-02-02 07:00

dear Geez,

you are right/write, LOL! marksman will do.

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Candlewitch

Thu, 2023-02-02 15:28

LOL

thanks, mark. glad you enjoyed it!

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

scribbler

Thu, 2023-02-02 17:50

Hi Cat

Using the sun to one's advantage is something only a season'd rifleman should know. Trying to shoot into a low hanging sun causes most scopes to glow and also decreases the chance of the shooter being seen. Very accurate write

Candlewitch

Fri, 2023-02-03 06:40

dear Scribbler,

you are a thinking man and I am so glad of it! I went hunting with my dad a few times. he taught me a lot, and I still remember his lessons. thank you for reading and commenting!

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Rula

Sat, 2023-02-04 03:45