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The Creator

When the eyes have no light
when ears have no sound
then takes flight
the human mind

lets go out to find
the creator
you remind
Created us

him the lover thus
deaf
and her the beautiful
blind

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

carry on! More of this, please. ~ Gee.
.

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I have posted another shorter one

same title
but in Caps

author comment

Looks a little like you are trying to find rhyme and not quite getting there to me.
Stanza 2 L1 I might have expected perhaps 'Him the lover thus' to maintain the 'last line of stanza/first line of next rhyme' favoured by Edmund Spenser also 'say' replaced by something like 'remind' In stanza 2 L3.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

please see if it now looks
Good

author comment

I should have said Stanza 3 L1 for 'thus'. Please allow me to write the whole piece as I might expect to see it.

when the eyes have no light
when ears have no sound
then takes flight
the human mind

lets go out to find
the creator
you remind
Created us

him the lover thus
deaf
and her the beautiful
blind

All 3 stanzas are 'tied' together by rhyming last and first lines, and stanza 2 follows the abac of stanza 1. Stanza 3 is free as a bird yet ultimate word still rhymes with last of stanza 1.

I think that might work well, please tell me what you think.
Don't forget one important thing. This is YOUR poem and should be as YOU feel it should be. Let no one take it away from you.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

I was a bit confused

darkness time
half blind fully deaf

re ed it

author comment

lovedly but do tell me what you think of it now. Better or worse or anything. I look forward to hearing if you're good with it.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

The Last Bugle
Seeing the agitated trumpeter
in one's eyes came a tear
the fourth time at a stretch today
the last bugle did he play
sad day
so many passed away
an unfortunate unexpected day
today

We were though unconsciously waiting
for their last day
sad all went away in one day

(Time limit can't post it yet---Alan)

author comment

lovedly. I see you're keeping them a little shorter now.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

I get easily misunderstood

author comment
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