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Cover your eyes...

Submitted by Geezer on Sun, 2012-08-12 13:38

Half the man he used to be
Mirrored face reality

Sagging jowls
Drooping chest

His eyes look like they need a rest

In his mind, he is eighteen
Mirror shows what they have seen

Muscles wasted
Gone away

No strength left, for him today

Memory is all that’s left
Not so keen or so deft

Once the lord
Of his domain

He’ll never be that way again

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words: 
I noticed a few new wrinkles this morning. LOL
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Esker

Mon, 2012-08-13 02:19

Esker's picture

I remember meeting these elders
in the bar with their mop
(old and young groupies that do his bidding
for their position)

or sitting in their homes
while the sun crawled from the sky
and guttered in the west
like an oil lamp running out of fuel

till darkness filled our eyes
and only the sound of our voices
reached through the myths and stories

the women alone in mornings making
breakfest and smoking cigarettes
proud of ther ex husbands and
children

all of them hardcore and survived
what did in many along the way
holding on
soaking in the sun
sitting by the woodstove
while I talked or listened to
their stories

we are all eighteen
eventually or sometime
Legal age to kill for your country
or vote

before that even with the systems
working you pretty much get to
be on your own

intelligence is everything....
I remember being taught that

Thanks Gee
I too am far from eighteen now
and one day will just sit
waiting for the joker of life
to come

but Im still managing to smile
now and then
still taking a breath

Geezer

Mon, 2012-08-13 07:23

Geezer's picture
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in my youth, I loved being around the older folks. I learned much from them. I learned that life will toss unexpected things at you, that you never really know what someone is thinking and watch out for Murphy's Law.
I saw people grow old and die, never thinking that one day, that will be me. I made lots of mistakes, and I have many regrets. Who knows what might have happened if I had taken different paths? I have always chosen to go where my heart led me. The few times that I went down a road that promised my own gratification without thought of how it affected anyone else; I suffered in the end. But I have always paid the price knowing that it was my own damn fault! An old man once told me" Hindsight is twenty-twenty" and as I look back down my trail, I see all the mis-steps that led me down the "Garden-path", so to speak. I still find things to smile about and I do it frequently. I have many heroes, but Batman and Spiderman are not among them. They are the people who do the right thing, even if it is inconvenient. The ones who have good work-ethics and pay their dues. Life is funny and it's sad. But I'm going to hang on to it as long as I can. Thanks for your thoughts, ~ Gee

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judyanne

Mon, 2012-08-13 03:07

judyanne's picture
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one tiny thing (imho)
‘Mirror shows what they’ve seen’
for the meter I suggest
‘Mirror shows what (they have) seen’

great write gee
great rhyme and rhythm (apart from that one line)
and I so relate lol – I still get a surprise when I see my mother in the mirror
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Geezer

Mon, 2012-08-13 07:29

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and had a moment of doubt, but placed a different accent on it, thinking about what it represented rather than what it really was, a contraction. Thanks for calling me on that one. I will change it.
love ya too, ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

weirdelf

Thu, 2012-08-16 02:08

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I had a horrible, paranoid moment when I thought you were writing about me! [grins]

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Geezer

Thu, 2012-08-16 22:36

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I guess it could be about any one of us over eighteen. [Well, maybe not 19 or 20, but you know what I mean].
[grins right back] cheers too, ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Ian.T

Thu, 2012-08-16 18:13

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Better that you write about a Killer or something instead of making us old folk wonder who you wrote about. Great write though???
I am going to play with Death now, and say it can' be Jess as that would be:-

Jowls
Embittered
Stress
Stressed

I am going to be killed for this one,
All my love to you all lol, "Sparrow", no good looking for me, I have a cave I go to with the Fruit Bats, lol

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Geezer

Thu, 2012-08-16 22:41

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a couple of hundred years old, but he doesn't age as fast as we do. I guess it's like my grandma said once, "The fruits and nuts belong together". But I think maybe she was bats. 'Sparrows' are the acrobats of the bird world. ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Ian.T

Fri, 2012-08-17 03:22

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As time is non existent we are as old as we can be.
I am now in my 700th period of time on man's scale.
I will try and remember killer, but he always walked in the shadows where I walked in the light.
I may have seen him flit from dark to dark through the ages.
There are many stories I seem to remember, some like the assistant that Vlad the impaler (1431–1476) had, as he went about his business, maybe just before the killer evolved from his dark beginnings???
Other dark creatures of old, then coming up to the present days I seem to remember that Charles Manson had an assistant, well I think that you have many to choose from, really need a history of Killer. ?????
Go well Gee, is there a possibility that Killer could visit some of the other alter Ego's we have here.
He is welcome to feast on the odd Sparrow if he is fast.
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Geezer

Sun, 2012-08-19 08:58

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I've done some before, with other poets. I did one with a woman, I think it was lost in the crash.
Thanks for stopping by, ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment
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