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COVER ME

All imperfections are camouflaged
with the snow so pure and white
which softened all the hard edged corners
when it fell to earth last night.

And I am but a rough hewed man,
a fact which all around me know
who needs a gentle soul like you
to
.....be
.................My
..........................snow.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
An excursion into brevity
Editing stage: 

Comments

I absolutely like the brevity in this, and the morph at the end is cleverly done as it softly comes down almost like the snow flakes.
If I would suggest anything it is to change "blanketed". It doesn't sound poetic to my "poetic ear" :)
may be "spread over " or you might like to consider switching it with cover in the title.
my thoughts. The decision is yours.
Thank you for sharing.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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I had considered a number of words instead of blanketed and am still in search of the perfect one lol. Thanks for your thoughts on this one........stan

author comment

mantled?

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Still going through a couple of thesauruses (shudder, I hate having to resort to them) to see if there's a word which conveys what I want better...........stan

author comment

I like this word.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

you Rula. now if I just knew Which word lol.......stan

author comment

.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

One must be specific when dealing with senile old dudes lol

author comment

I put my reply directly after Wesley's.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

comment but it wound up below my response to his comment. Happens to me a lot. I'll post something as a reply to somebody and instead of posting right below what I'm replying to it winds up as many as 4 spaces below........stan

author comment

Beautiful, clever and sooo touching. Rula's suggestion - if you want to change it how about "covered" only a thought! Throw it in the bin if you don't like it. Te he

My thought - I think if you add another word with two syllables somewhere here:

to
....be
.........my
..............snow.

it would flow better, it seems to cut short abruptly. Of course, as Rula says - it's your call and that may have been your objective. :)

Really, really love this one.

Love Mand xxxxx

I'm pleased you liked this.I Do want that last line to remain as short as possible. Perhaps i can make a change in rhythm without adding a thing.........Maybe adding emphasis to "my" will do the trick. See if that's a bit better.......stan

author comment

Nice! Lovely, a true delight to read.

Love Mand xxx

Strange how such a minor edit can make so much difference isn't it?........stan

author comment

writing... good flow

Thank you. I've been so busy lately I felt if I didn't scribble something out just for fun my head would blow up lol. Thanks for dropping in..........stan

author comment

A gorgeous little write, my friend. You say so very much with just a few words, and bring so much more meaning from those few simple lines.
Like the falling at the end!
Most very excellent.

Bookmarked.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

It had been so long since I'd written anything short in length that I figured I better do one and see if I still remembered how lol. I'm pleased you like it and had wondered if the way I posted the last line would be a distraction of a help. Thanks for dropping by.......stan

author comment

Innovative and creative write and form ...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Thank you. As to the form I wanted to be sure the last line was read slowly. It could have been done by punctuation but I figured this would also work...........stan

author comment
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