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THAT COUNTRY ROAD

Too many have gone down
that unpaved winding country road
that John sang about one day
they've left me carrying their load
till my shoulders shake and sway.

Some of them I only knew
by their lyrics or their verse
which have stayed here in my heart
like treasures locked within a purse
and they'll likely never part.

The throng which once preceded me
has grown smaller with each bend
where they passed from my failing sight
as their journey reached its end
and they reached that final end.

Now the crowd has become few
as we help each other limp along
when the road becomes too steep or rough.
I wonder do I still belong
having lived and seen far too much stuff.

The few times I've looked back
into the dust left by my feet
I blanch and quickly turn around
for view is seldom sweet
of those I've trampled in the ground.

But here comes another curve
will it be my final turn?
Perhaps this dusty gentle bend
will yield no bridges I can burn
but instead reveal my end.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

I could not help but think of Jess while reading this and the fact that you sound so bone weary yet you are still seeded here ny friend. May peace be with you

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It is a penalty of age that there come times when friends and family leave in bunches. I have reached that time. But don't worry, in a few days I'll be back to aggravating you and others here lol

author comment

have thought that, there were two poems wrapped together here, about the same subject. Almost like you had double-spaced one and then forgot and blindly typed another. I enjoyed the emotion, but it was confusing. ~ Geezer.
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Come to Chat on the Darkside
every other Saturday night 8pm to ?
Bring your dark and delicious work
to show.

I suspect you are referring to the odd rhyme pattern in which the first line of each stanza Doesn't rhyme with any other lines. I was kinda hoping this poem could be seen as a direction in which poetry might be moving in which free verse and classic are mixed so as to capture the best of both. Now I didn't realize I was doing this until I was half way through writing this dirge but isn't that kinda common? lol

author comment

Seems a fitting place to mourn his departure.
Jx

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This was not written for Jess. The poem about the surfer is his. But I can see how this could easily be seen as being for him. Indeed his and others' passing id the inspiration for this one. Thanks for the visit

author comment

To me this needs some polishing in several places.
I am not sure about the flow of line 2
line 10 feels sort of half finished
Stanza 3 with only one rhyme feels out of place are you trying to decompose the reader?
I rather like the last two lines they might make a nice refrain but I found bend end end irritating.
Turn and burned dont rhyme and the finale should have been stronger.
My favourite lines
they left me carrying their loads
till my shoulders shake and sway.

I suppose you have made it miserable and mournful to a degree but I would like to see more rhythm and a wowsier ending,

I wrote this in haste so it having bumps is no surprise. But it helps having folks like you point out where improvement is warranted

author comment
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