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Could You Borrow Me ?

Could you borrow me your limbs, sometime...
..that I might increase my stride ?

So that, if events should turn on me,
I could run, if I could not hide;

and with the added reach, your arms
would kindly lend to me,

I'd carry both our burdens, so...
..and I'd do so, easily;

and if by chance, you minded not
sharing with me, of your will...

..the added dertermination, I'm sure
will help me climb each hill;

for, I'd have extra energy
courtesy of your very soul,

not to mention, great integrity
from accomplishing, each goal;

and, when your heart smiles, weary
from helping me do my, best...

..I'll save enough, to carry you,
to where we both, can get some rest !

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
Is the internal logic consistent?

Comments

Good to see you again.

This is real good; I like the rhymes, and the cadence is wonderful.

There are some pauses, mostly commas, that threw me off just a bit, but then, that's how people talk, isn't it.

;)

Good to read a poem of your's again, Doc.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

I like this poem but I would change the first line and say ' lend me your limbs, so that I might increase my stride.' because it is a better use of grammar. Apart from that little bit, I really enjoyed reading the poem. Good job.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

I went with a sort of, "simpleton"....(because of such unrealistic endeavors), so's, he supposed to speak bad grammer.
Just maybe...he never really knew his grammer, at all.
doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment

I felt the poem would make more sense if you changed the first line, obviously it was only a suggestion.

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

which i don't normally do
glad i did 'cos i was going to comment on the 'borrow' too

i still will doc, as i think it does detract from the sweetness of the ending
'and, when your heart smiles, weary
from helping me do my, best...
..I'll save enough, to carry you,
to where we both, can get some rest'

i would prefer 'could i borrow your limbs sometime...'

but it's your work - i think it sound fine as it is - just my personal preference (the english major in me won't allow too much leeway with grammer i'm afraid)

great write - i thoroughly enjoyed it
you have given an energy to the write - i'm still trying to figure out just why that is...
but i agree with jim in that you have quite a few superfluous commas...

love judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

..all of you. I'm sorry for not replying sooner, but I'm having a dickens of a time consistently reaching the site.
doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment
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