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The corner of 5th and Main

Submitted by themoonman on Thu, 2011-01-20 08:48

Dark glasses on a bus to Buffalo,
our eyes lock;
she pierces somber into my being,
we share unspoken loneliness,
connecting what conversation cannot.

We don't lose sight until we do,
my knees shake,
touched in the nine second collision,
and now the feeling of loss.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

scribbler

Thu, 2011-01-20 08:56

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Do you think women really know the power they have over us ? The raw truth is I see no need to change this poem..................scribbler

Geezer

Thu, 2011-01-20 12:38

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would say; "Ooooooo, yeah!" Nothing needs clarification here! ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Hooded Stranger

Fri, 2011-01-21 13:03

Hooded Stranger's picture

Richard,

as usual you manage to write a complete piece without missing anything of importance out and still do it in eight/nine lines!

is this right?:

and the now feeling of extreme loss (should it read "and now the feeling of extreme loss"?) - I could be wrong!

Great write, short and punchy!

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

Kailashana2

Fri, 2011-01-21 13:19

One of your best, Richard! I have to say HS's ending rolled off the tongue.

~A

themoonman

Sat, 2011-01-22 07:07

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I appreciate everyone's take on this write, I was a little
apprehensive about this one, but I do think we all feel
those quick and extreme connections at times ...

Thanks Dan, totally agree with your re-wording, it does
smooth out that last line.

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Sat, 2011-01-22 07:12

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Richard,

you are most welcome and no charge for that one!

Lol!

HS

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Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

pleiades

Sat, 2011-01-22 20:24

i love these kinds of writes

a peek at a moment in time ... a moment
of seeming normality, but one that leaves its
indelible mark for time to come

it's not easy to convey clear emotion and intent
in so few lines, and you have done exactly that,
and then some
your well chosen, and placed, words, bring
the scene to life ...and the feelings are tangible

just a suggestion ...use it or lose it,
i thought the 'extreme' was unnecessary

to me, the line reads a little more poignant
as just
"and now the feeling of loss"

cheers
p

themoonman

Sun, 2011-01-23 03:46

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and I think I agree with you too ... the extreme is
maybe even overkill, let me wrap my mind to it, but
I do believe I'll have to remove that.

thanks so much for the read and the suggestion

Richard

author comment

CCfire

Sun, 2011-03-27 23:19

CCfire's picture

Brevity such as this needs to impact on a reader quickly and yet tell a story which this certainly does. Well done, I have nothing to crit on this.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

Roscoe Lane

Mon, 2011-03-28 14:38

Roscoe Lane's picture

Short sharp superb.Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

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