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Cool Water
COOL WATER
...
Sultry days of summer coming real soon
No breeze, still trees, parched throat needs
Cool water - still can't quench this thirst
Clothes dropped in stages, hastily peeled
Water can't cool this fire I feel
My soul is surely doomed to burn
Without the cool water of your touch
M E Wilson 04152009
Editing stage:
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Comments
weirdelf
Fri, 2016-09-30 08:02
Good first post, Wilson,
It complies with one of my definitions of poetry (originally coined by Eisenstein with respect to film) "Ruthless elimination of the inessential"
Not a word out of place whilst conveying a deep sense of love and need.
My only question is about the choice of words 'real soon'. Surely this is not something anticipated but an ongoing experience. Or perhaps I read it wrong.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
MEWilson
Fri, 2016-09-30 17:29
new form of poem
This is a "kwansaba" poem, so my choice of words was limited. Also, this was my first attempt using this style. It uses 7 words of 7 or less letters in each line , and it is only 7 lines long. So, I hope that explains some of my reasoning in the way that I wrote the poem.
MEWilson
author commentweirdelf
Sat, 2016-10-01 01:48
kwansaba is a new one to me
Love the concept!
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Keith Logan
Sat, 2016-10-01 05:31
This sounds similar to a style
that I wrote some years ago, it was seven lines of seven syllables. I have never come across it before (or since) so have no idea what the proper name is.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
Keith Logan
Fri, 2016-09-30 08:37
Very good
but for minimalist write I would drop real from line one and needs from line two.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
jane210660
Sat, 2016-10-01 07:31
Hi
I'm not familiar with kwansaba, but all credit to you, you seem to have worked within it's constraints very well indeed, as when reading it I could not tell you were working to a form.
The only tiny crit I could make is the word 'real' in line one. I realise you need seven words, so possibly you could find a substitute - even the word 'so' might just do it. My gripe with the word 'real' is it's a bit slangy, but if you feel it's integral to the poem then by all means ignore me, it's just my opinion.
A great write though, with very good imagery and a nice dimension at the end.
Cheers Jx
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Esker
Sun, 2016-10-02 21:16
"true" could be a substitue word
if as mentioned "real" is slangy or beat
as in "True story" or "straight up"
"straight on" all linear feel as what
your work has in its essence
Like the last line
a throwback to the vintage use of
typewriters which some of the writers
still use....
Thank U!
weirdelf
Mon, 2016-10-03 00:55
Great crit Jane and Esker!
Please don't take that as patronising, I mean it.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry