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In the cool night air

The bistred day has fallen still,
A darkened mead hangs overhead;
The hush within the evening chill,
Chant's now the yore is gone to bed.
A gently breeze steals from the west,
Cool along the shadowed lanes;
The sunburned broil, now at rest,
Its warmth has gone, but still remains.

The cool night air stands all alone
Anon the past is gone to sleep;
Daytime secrets tossed and blown,
The faithful night for ere to keep.
Secrets that the breeze fears speak,
Winnowing in the night-time swell;
Brushing eastward 'gainst your cheek...
The whispered wind mayn't kiss-n'-tell.

Evensong is served this eve
All around the moonlit shrine;
Absolution cedes when you believe,
The cool night air is sweet as wine.
Drink your fill in solemn thought,
Let your mind escape within;
Cleanse your conscience, ever fraught,
Save your soul! ~ confess your sin!

Here beneath a cloudless sky
You're not alone ~ you seldom are;
Within the dim nocturnals fly
As someone watches from afar.
So mediate, your faith elate,
Ruminate, and yet beware;
It intoxicates your mindless state,
Drinking in the cool night air.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

1st stanza line five did you mean gentle ? What can I say? I drifted along with cadence which ha soothing sleepy quality to it. The poem soothes at it is read
Chrys

Bright Side Chat
Tuesday-Fridays
3-4 PM EST

Chrys. I did decide to use 'gently' instead of 'gentle' purposely but I guessed some of you would have queried it. I should have added a comment shouldn't I? ~ too late now though.
All of your comments are most welcome in my ear and I thank you so much for reading.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

author comment

gently =gentle or typo
and jess master says
avoid ellipses....(......)x
you may also
if you think so

nice one Alan

Lovedly. Thanks for you complimentary words today. I did intend to use 'gently' ~ don't know why.
I often use ellipsis (I used ellipsis in this reply) I guess some like it, some don't.
Thanks for reading, I appreciate it.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

author comment

I never knew that you had this hiding in your repertoire! Surprise, surprise... I like the use of ellipses... I'm just not sure they are needed there. Likewise the semi-colons. Most times, people say that one isn't using enough punctuation, however, there is a thing with too much. Since you capitalize each line, I would do away with all the ending punctuations.
The title is good, your language use really good and the rhythm flows well from beginning to end. ~ Geezer.
.

Come to Chat on the Darkside
every other Saturday night 8pm to ?
Bring your dark and delicious work
to show.

nothing consistent
nor constant in poetry
ONLY WHIMS Gee................
i used ellipses mostly
now I am subdued
w/o a clue
what will say you Gee...

for commenting lovedly. Great to see a red, red rose on the page left o'er frae Burns Night.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

author comment

Geezer. This is very valuable to me.
I use ellipsis quite a lot, I allowed Kipling to influence me and he punctuates muchly to make his point.
I'll watch the punctuation though, it's fairly important.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

author comment

Ok this SHOULD be gentle technically but I think gently add something I can't define to the poem. And I know the rhyme pattern was difficult to maintain in this long a poem but you did well even if you did use at least one near rhyme . I think you might read this poem out loud and catch a few rhythm stumbles. Lord knows I'm guilty of them so finding them is easy for me lol. I enjoyed this poem which would really be appreciated in the middle of summer as the gloaming approaches......stan

Stan. I don't know why I used it though.
I intend to make a couple of changes here and there so thanks for your wisdom.
Thank you for taking the time to read and give critique, I appreciate it.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

author comment

Any two stanzas in any order would make the poem
It does not have an inner narrative to move the basic idea. Sometimes less is more. All the stanzas are good, equal in intensity and weight, so it becomes redundant. After any two stanzas it’s done, and is a better more succinct work
(Changes can be easily made... just click “edit”)
I know it’s hard to cut up poems, especially when new... but that’s my take here. You have great sound and control, but too large a canvas. My take.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Eumolpus. I often drop some of a poem as an experiment and end up with two, three or four revisions in my portfolio. I can then choose which revision I wish to use at any later date.
This version is the full deal however.
Thank you for your words of wisdom.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

author comment
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