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Control

All it takes is one little sign to rapidly switch your mood
It takes one thought, one signal
Oh how so fragile you are
I enjoy breaking you into bits and pieces

Your eyes go from sparking brown to dripping chocolate
But instead of sweet little drops of bronze, they’re salty copper
From the dripping leaks, your eyes depict withering despair
Those eyes that are now shut with pain shoot open with bloodthirsty anger
That anger switches to another mood and another and another until you glitch
Finally, it’s dark out and your mind goes to sleep from its tantalizing thoughts

It takes one little whisper
It can’t be that easy, can it?
I can change you so quick
As if you are a lighted match and I’m the wind
Your flame is on the edge, and I am about to tip you over
I don't even have to do any work
Just a little breeze
I have so much power over you, don’t I?

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words: 
I had comments in my last poem about structure. I still believe I lack an appealing structure, and I can't seem to get it to be better. If anyone can please help me with that, AND also tell me what they think about the overall poem. Anything helps!
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Does a mind and body good, thru the release of mindplace on paper. Lovely to let all the dark out so light can break thru.

To your request about structure, I think, -just my opinion and worth only what you paid for it… If poems were always structured the same then the world of poetry would indeed be a boring place.

I would encourage you to read more work from the great poets of years gone past.then you can come up with your own “style” and bring forth your very own “voice”.

For example, I am wading thru the complete works of e.e.cummings now. Taking from it what I may find to apply to my “voice”…

You’ll end up with literally a library of poetic works of other poets

Looking forward to reading more of your work.

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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I'll definitely read more poetry to find my voice and the structure I favor. This helped a lot, and thank you for your kind words.

author comment

I think that your problem is just a little about how to trim your lines.
Try thinking of ways to say what you mean in a shorter way, without compromising
the thought.
An example:

One little thing to affect your mood
It takes one thought, one signal
How fragile you are!
I enjoy breaking you into bits and pieces

Eyes from sparkling brown to dripping chocolate
From dripping leaks, to utter despair
Eyes shut in pain, shooting open in anger
Rapidly shifting moods, until you glitch out

The rest of this is pretty good, I don't see it needing any changes.

You are always welcome to use or reject any ideas given,
you have a good poem here.

Take the advice of Ray and read as much poetry as you have time for
from poets that you like about subjects that interest you.
They don't have to be the "Old Masters".
~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

Your advice is insanely helpful, and I can spot the difference clearly when you rewrote it. Thanks! I'll definitely follow Ray's wise words (yours too :))

author comment

you edit this and see how it looks altogether. Then write a new one, where the first one is answered! Have them drag the first
through the mud and show what an evil person they are! ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

Hi, I love your poem and think you should follow the advice already given. I'm all for shorter lines and economy of modifiers.
No other nits, Gracy

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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

Thank you so much!!! Also, I love Freddie Mercury. May God rest his beautiful souls *tear*

author comment

are you talking of moods of 7.5 billions or how ur mood changes so quickly pardon me for my ignorance Poetry must be either general or specific then it will be like

'switch one's mood'
I have learned from feed back as above
so I too thank each
but for you they all know me
as loved/lovedly

I'm talking about how my mood changes quickly :)

author comment

and welcome to neopoet. I assume you write mainly free verse. And you are asking about structure in poetry. Well, being a mostly rhyming poet myself I am a bit biased but I think writing some rhyming poetry might help you with the structure you seek in your free verse. Rhyming almost Demands structure and that might well help to getting you thinking in structure. Another thing that might be helpful. Structure and the "beat" of a poem in any form go almost hand in hand. Read your poetry out loud. Doing so will reveal almost any ares where rhythm is lacking and by finding these places it will reveal the exact spots you need to work on...........end of lecture lol. I like the message deliver in this poem and I hope you continue working on it until its structure suits you

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