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Considering My Audience

So many teeming words that want to tumble forth
With hope of understanding words of eloquence
of splendor, of beauty, of grace.

The musical lilt of a rhyming prose shared
The syllables all accounted for and played
with smiles, with praise, with note.

Ah, but the ugliness rears up it's sore head
Words that spew life's hidden alleys of acid
of loathing, of hatred, of rancor.

Eyes that once saw are now blind
Eyes that once looked will not see
the forlorn, the abused, the forgotten.

A musty textbook full of scholarly words
I feel the Thank You's full of smirks
of condescension, of scorn, of pity.

To Consider My Audience at all costs
I will stem the flow of brutality of reality
of darkness, of blackness, of despair.

Perhaps to pass the time I'll rhyme...again
Judgmental eyes read the words I write
of sunshine, of happiness, of facades.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

tumble and scramble of words, as you say; " so many tumbling words" It brought to mind a vision of brightly flashing words in a stream. Some jumping as they are hooked into the conversation. "In hope of understanding." Your title caught my eye, and it was enough to reel me in; so I would say that it was effective. I enjoyed the transit from leaping words of joy, to the despair and again, the happiness intended. I could have dealt with a little bit more promise in the end; another three lines wouldn't have hurt. All in all, nice work.

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Thanks Geezer. I think you're right about another three lines, it would've finished smoother. I was feeling fairly...disillusioned when I was writing. I'll keep reading, writing and learning. I am delighted you took the time to read and review.

Blessed Be
April Dawn

"If my poetry aims to achieve anything, it's to deliver people
from the limited ways in which they see and feel." -Jim Morrison

author comment

I like that you write with emotion and have the intuition to make it smooth for the reader. Yes, we write for ourselves, but if the reader connects; that is the ultimate test of our writing. I write to express myself, but if there is no connection to the reader and I don't get the feedback, then I feel that I've failed.
I do calculate and try to engage the reader with subtle mechanics, but it does take practice and plenty of writing. You will never please everyone all the time and there will always be those that do not see where you are coming from or where you are going with a story; and make no mistake, poetry is story-telling! Keep it up, you are showing how much you are learning all the time. ~ Geezer.
.

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I am in your debt for your encouraging and helpful words. Sometimes I will try to let the reader in, but I run away like a thief in the night! I am Not timid by nature but vulnerability is not my strong suit. But again, you are completely correct. I love to be transported by my reading and I'd like to include the reader in my writing.
Well, some of it!
Thank you again so so much.

Blessed Be
April Dawn

"If my poetry aims to achieve anything, it's to deliver people
from the limited ways in which they see and feel." -Jim Morrison

author comment

I’m starting to sense that to consider the reader marks the maturity of a writer. It takes many poems and many hours to do this. To respect the reader who exists in the shadow of a poem
There are many poets who discuss this in letters and essays like Eliot who feels the poet needs a certain detachment to create a work of art. We write for ourselves but if you want to share your work you must find that sweet spot of inviting the reader to share. But not at the risk of over compromising your vision. I think the key is not to be too cute, contrived, or abstact which insults the reader. You have not done that here. It’s a very important subject and I think you handled it well

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Thank you for noticing the thought that went into this. This particular subject of reader driven writing versus self driven is a meaty one. It will go on 'til the end of mankind; or it's ability to write at least! I honestly do not believe it's a lack of maturity or skill, maybe not even desire for some of us. For me, I put the pen to paper and see where it takes me. My more careful planned out writing may be more in keeping with what people understand. But it's not Real.
I love all these ideas! Thank you for reading.

Blessed Be
April Dawn

"If my poetry aims to achieve anything, it's to deliver people
from the limited ways in which they see and feel." -Jim Morrison

author comment

I read your poem and Marks astute observation and advice which I think hit the nail
I wanted to delve into the structure of how you write that I think may be helpful and I hope not difficult to handle as I want to see you develop
Part of it has to do with the psychology of your writing as opposed to the intent

So many teeming words that want to tumble forth...….words that tumble.... thats all I need to get it

With hope of understanding words of eloquence ….the rest seems superfluous to me ie demonstrate eloquence, and grace etc. the words get in the way of an actuality
of splendor, of beauty, of grace, further they seem redundant ie space filler

To be precise; I think there is to much inflation in your language perhaps to make up for lack of intention; the effect of which tires the reader with awkwardness a through excessive language as if you really want to make your pointtttttt !

My advice is to slow down , feel really what you want say ...look deep into your interior self and read beautiful powerful poetry and deconstruct and analyze, You will find that every word is chosen with care and great sensitivity like a tender kiss or some other sensibility of intensity

EX:
waiting
as if the sp-
arrows
thinning above you
are not
already pierced
by their own names
…..
One of my very fav poets Ocean Vuong
He uses so few words yet so dense with meaning, powerful language and perhaps ambiguity
"pierced
by their own names"

Having said that paired down writing is one of many approaches and ther are other ways to wrote that is voluptuous

EX: Howl by Allan Ginsberg

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked,
dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix,
angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night,
who poverty and tatters and hollow-eyed and high sat up smoking in the supernatural darkness of cold-water flats floating across the tops of cities contemplating jazz,
…...
In both cases every line penatrates the reader

To Consider My Audience at all costs
I will stem the flow of brutality of reality
of darkness, of blackness, of despair.

What ever you do don't do that!! Good writing is fearless

Best Z

Thank you Z. I find your advice very helpful and will delve into the writers you mentioned for inspiration. I keep reading and learning here, there and everywhere. Some seem to feel you need all the extra language and so expounding on those terms was actually, well, superfluous and unnecessary. On purpose. Have a little irony in your diet. Lol.

Blessed Be
April Dawn

"If my poetry aims to achieve anything, it's to deliver people
from the limited ways in which they see and feel." -Jim Morrison

author comment

Its about how its done
I like irony, had some with my eggs this mourning ;)

to tired
long day 'twas
LIKE SUNSET
not Dawn
lol
depending on a new sun
being born
AND I ain't forlorn

Go to your rest
I hear your
room a' calling.

Time again to
read, my friend.
This time love,
no stalling.

Blessed Be
April Dawn

"If my poetry aims to achieve anything, it's to deliver people
from the limited ways in which they see and feel." -Jim Morrison

author comment

I am not an expert like those before me to give an academic comment or critique....however I would like to say that I found this poem which took me through the meandering ways of the river of your thoughts...and i could follow it's course through the terrain called life...
........................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

Hey Raj, thank you for flowing through my thoughts with me for it's often a lonely journey. I prefer an emotional response to my writing to an academic discussion on what poet did what. I do appreciate constructive critiquing though and try to learn from it. Thanks a lot for reading and commenting.

Blessed Be
April Dawn

"If my poetry aims to achieve anything, it's to deliver people
from the limited ways in which they see and feel." -Jim Morrison

author comment

Yes April...especially in an emotionally driven poem if one can connect with the emotions it makes the experience of reading even better....it then becomes not just reading but inhaling the fragrance...which may be sweet..bitter or as in this poem bitter sweet...
..................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

Precisely. I connect on an emotional level too and even if the writing is not a style I would write in, I try to put myself in the shoes of the writer. Whether they fit or not.

Blessed Be
April Dawn

"If my poetry aims to achieve anything, it's to deliver people
from the limited ways in which they see and feel." -Jim Morrison

author comment

good to know April that in this context...reading and responding... we are on the same page..

happy holidays...
..........................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

I have read your poetry
with an open mind
I find stalwarts have a different design
each one to his own vision

For me I ain't much of a poet
in or of modern parlance

I compose a poem as my mind dictates
have my take or leave it
how can one anyone satisfy all at once
so many
some love Frost
others Shakes
but who will ever love Lovedly
a supra mind 's takes
yet not many as my poetry is not at stakes

It history only makes
AND
you know it well
each poet is an INDIVIDUAL

You have done much more than well
be happy so many greet thee
none waste energy on me
I don't worry now at the least

So many reading me elsewhere are happy
Over 1500 daily

So you be at it
as you wish entirely.
Listen yes and thank em all
they have spent invaluable time
reading and commenting your lovely poetry
GOOD Night Lady
Lovedly

Your words are like the ocean deep.
Salve upon my wounds.
Inside my heart I will so keep
the hope of future boons.

The precious time that's gifted me,
should surely be a waste.
If I have a banquet lain
but then refuse to taste.

Individuality?
That's what I'm all about.
I do what feels real to ME
I don't mind if they shout. :)

Blessed Be
April Dawn

"If my poetry aims to achieve anything, it's to deliver people
from the limited ways in which they see and feel." -Jim Morrison

author comment

I can't lament
BUT ONLY
FRIENDSHIP CEMENT

HAPPY NEW YEAR
OH! ANGELIC DAUGHTER
THE YEAR HERE ENDS
MUCHLY FASTER

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