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Conscious Cruelty

Heaven sent me a father,
David was his name,
But instead of being instilled with love,
He was the instrument of all my pain.
My little arms reached out for comfort,
But he often pushed me away
Suddenly shouting and threatening
"I don't have time to be daddy today"

You loved to lock me out of the house
The way you always did,
Cold & hungry I begged to be let inside
You screamed "I fucking hate that kid!"
You Lay there ludicrously laughing,
Enjoying your homemade head games
Absorbing all my energy,
Perceiving pleasure in all my pain.

Your evil words gave you putrid power
Giving your inner torment light relief,
You enjoyed every pitiful, painful moment
And destroyed my ebbing self belief.
You invited your friends to mock me,
I was your private diminutive fool.
You projected your hate on me so directly
But I was always aimlessly loving you.

Review Request (Intensity): 
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words: 
My father is a Malignant Narcissist and enjoyed tormenting me and hurting me when I was younger, EMDR is bringing alot of that pain to the surface and I'm refeeling it all over again, sorry if I'm 'bleeding' all over my work atm
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Explicit Content

Comments

I'll give you a little tip on how to get your poems read: READ other poets poems and COMMENT on them! Good luck. sorry you are having troubles at home.

*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

I never feel I have anything valuable to add to someone's work I am only GCSE standard education, I'm here more to learn than to teach

author comment

I only had 9th grade education. but the love of poetry, both writing and reading it,helps to learn. you can read, I see and write. so read the poetry and you will learn. as for critiquing, just comment at first...say "I like your poem" or "I didn't understand your poem" just say something! you could read the comments made by other poets ans see what they have to say. and learn from them. you can do it! I believe in you!

*hugs, Cat
p.s.
I finally got my associates degree in electronics.

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

I'm very selective about what I read as my mental health only allows me to concentrate for so long so I read what I know is relevant to me and my life.

I feel very awkward giving people feedback on their work because I may say something wrong and I don't want to write an insipid comment like "nice poem" because its not really helpful.

I have never commented on anyone's work all the time that I've been here because I don't really see any I just submit my poetry and then leave

author comment

I can understand where you are coming from when you write about your father
and the pain he has inflicted on you. I also understand the reluctance of yourself
to comment and critique on others work. I'm sure that if you have or would have
a therapist, that they would suggest that you try to develop that part of yourself
that can have opinions that will be your own, without fear. Sometimes, I feel that fear myself.
Slowly, over time, I have managed, to pick out poems and work that I truly enjoy, and give
my opinions and feelings about them. If I feel touched by a piece of work and want to critique,
I will do a little research on that form and while I can remember what I've read, comment or critique
shortly after. I have short term memory deficit, which is very disturbing at times.
I will also say, that if you enjoy a piece, that saying "I enjoyed this and think that you did a great job"
it can be a great ego-boost for the author! Think of what you enjoyed about it. say it! I assure you, that
no one will say that is a foolish opinion! I do not think that you are selfish and just want praise
I truly believe that you have those fears that you have mentioned. That is why I have taken the time to
write this. Please, do as Cat has suggested and pick something you like, just say you liked it!
Above all, please continue to write and post here! I do enjoy your work and if I critique and comment
on it, I feel that it is worth doing so. ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

let's get this straight...you're only here for the praise and attention?

thanks, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

As I said I am simply trying to become a better poet, I am not some sort of Machiavellian glory seeker, my work is very personal and very private, if I wanted attention I'd show it to everyone I know but I don't, my BPD poem is put into help packs to help people who have been newly diagnosed but I mention it rarely.

When I've given my opinion before I've been berated and dismissed because "what would you know" and that's true what do I know? As I said I only have a basic education and with having autism I find it difficult to understand what people mean or are trying to say, my resistance to comment is more born out ignorance rather than arrogance.

author comment

that you have never been berated and dismissed here at Neo. We pride ourselves on being a family that helps one another.
If that happens here, you will find that there are plenty of people that will have your back. Take your time with commenting and we hope that someday you feel comfortable enough to do so. ~ Geezer.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

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