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To Conquer Fear/ May Contest
I feel sick….Not nauseous, or ill….. just sick
Obsessed with perception and depressed from deception
Mind games…. Mortality…. Morality…. Out of control
Unable to comprehend...to just chill…. And just roll with it
I’m thinking too much… out of touch… out of sync
Head full of bad wiring… I just sit here and blink….
Why can’t I just deal with shit, why can’t I rise up?
To conquer my lunacy, and stand up… JUST FUCKING STAND UP!!!
The fear is paralyzing, and I wish I could shrink
Into something less OBVIOUS, something much less distinct
I feel THICK, I feel disconnected… I wish I could hide
From these feelings I've kept buried deep down inside.
Have you ever felt hopeless???… that there’s really no end
To the feelings that grip you, or the vibe others send?
I know why I feel this, I know what to do
It’s drastic, it’s desperate, but it’s only too true
I have to break free… my legs now feel steady!!
I know that it’s now…. I hope that I’m ready
Stand up…. Stand UP!! FUCKING STAND UP ….. DO IT NOW!!!
And I do it… and I realize…. That was easy……. Somehow…..
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Last few words:
I submitted this years ago and then went inactive on this site. It was done at a time when I was really struggling, and some of that seems to have returned since then. I don't have a need to be stroked, or coddled, as this was cathartic for me and not intended to be critically acclaimed. Iwas encouraged by a friend to submit it, and here it is.... Hoping for some feedback this time...
Editing stage:
Contest:
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Comments
scribbler
Wed, 2019-05-15 16:25
Hi Bobbye
Welcome back to the asylum lol. Your poem is rawly intense and the end came as a bit of a surprise as I was expecting the protagonist to suicide. Now a few things. I see you have entered this in this month's contest. The judge who chose the parameters for the month is going to be Very strict on the requirement for brevity and anything over 20 lines will be DQed out of hand. I think by combining a few lines here and there and a couple of deletes you can easily edit this to bring it into the required line limit. You also need to put (May contest) right next to title thus making it easy to spot by both the monthly judge and other readers as being a contest poem...........stan PS I'm off to My contest poem (BTW I don't qualify as it would be a serious conflict of interest lol) and see if I can prune It down some also
bobbye
Mon, 2019-05-20 13:49
THANK YOU!! Feedback appreciated
I am so happy that you got the raw nature of the work... it was written in about 10 minutes at a very dark time for me. I also tried to show how sometimes the actuality of our feelings portrays us as our own worst enemy, and sometimes we have to stand up TO OURSELVES. I thought about refining it, but wanted to keep the natural raw emotion intact. It's easy to let our minds trick us into believing the world is crashing down around us, but not so easy to stand up to it, (until after you've done so)
Thanks for the notes... I'll get to work on a contest worthy submission as well
author commentscribbler
Wed, 2019-05-15 16:25
Hi Bobbye
Welcome back to the asylum lol. Your poem is rawly intense and the end came as a bit of a surprise as I was expecting the protagonist to suicide. Now a few things. I see you have entered this in this month's contest. The judge who chose the parameters for the month is going to be Very strict on the requirement for brevity and anything over 20 lines will be DQed out of hand. I think by combining a few lines here and there and a couple of deletes you can easily edit this to bring it into the required line limit. You also need to put (May contest) right next to title thus making it easy to spot by both the monthly judge and other readers as being a contest poem...........stan PS I'm off to My contest poem (BTW I don't qualify as it would be a serious conflict of interest lol) and see if I can prune It down some also