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Conceited (Elizabethan Sonnet for Rula WS)

What lies beneath an angel's smile and grace?
A devil hides to plant his seed of greed,
deceiving you with words and gentle face,
the mental games he plays to make you bleed

A charlatan, the crook disguised as friend
A mastermind who'll break and crush your heart.
He plays you like a toy until the end
before he dumps you like a broken art.

He has no peace of mind like you and me,
devoid of guilt and shame that makes a man
The imp in mortal flesh he likes to be
he hides, he runs, no hope for better plan

and what the fool can do in judgement day
to save his skin from hell that burns the stray?

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

in
he felt no guilt, no shame that touch his soul....touch should be touches , you can easily fix .... to touch / will touch

The imp in mortal flesh he choose to be,.... should be (.....chooses ) which makes it two syllables.

also "foul" and "soul" don't rhyme.

I like the sonnet as it holds a subtle message for the humanity. However, I couldn't see a strong turning (a volta)

And I don't know what others think about re-using the rhyme (b) in the first stanza in the couplet too. so you used "sway" "way" "day" "stray" you see what I mean.
but let's see what others think.

But a lovely sonnet all in all. I really like it.
Thank you for sharing brother.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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a volta! lol! I knew I've forgotten something. Sis, in which stanza should the volta be? I just can't seem to recall. Any ideas? I admit that I end up telling a story and how the end will be for the deceivers in the couplet.

Alid

author comment

A volta starts on line 9. You should simply contradict what you stated in the first two stanzas.
No suggestions at the moment. It is one o'clock :)

I believe your couplet works well.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

did some edits. Hopefully the volta really shows that the deceiver is a loser in contrast of him being the smart villain in the first 2 stanzas. I've changed the words to rhyme. Hopefully it works out. Now need to rest abit.

Alid

author comment

I have a suggestion to help strengthen your volta
if you swap verse three with verse one in stanza 3, I think it it'll be more noticable...

and, sorry, man/ land isn't perfect rhyme

great iambic pentameter
a strong subject
very well done - one would never believe that this is only your second ever attempt at a sonnet
kudos
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Okay, thanks for the visit, the comment and suggestion. Truth is I'm stuck with "man" and "land". Will try to find better words but if you have suggestions on how to help with the rhyme scheme, you're most welcome to share them with me.

Alid

author comment

I agree with Judy.
I know how tired you are and this makes your effort doubly appreciated brother.

When you feel better just think about the "man", "land" rhymes

Hope the other sharks will come up with great sonnets as yours!!
Thank you for your commitment and the very active participation. You add to my pleasure.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

The problem is with this pain returning so often, even I don't know when I'll feel "better". Sometimes the ideas do come but when it shuts down, believe me, it really shuts down and I'll be blank in "writer's block" land for days. lol. That will add to my frustration and no,I don't want that.

Alid

author comment

I've done the edits for the rhyme. Its only sheer luck that I remembered that Jess has given me the link to aid in my rhyming defect. Lets hope this works or else, (down on my knees) help please?

Alid

author comment

Well brother
Five high up as our Mand says !!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

(five high up with a big smile). Mission, thought to be impossible, finally accomplished. Now that really feels good.lol

Alid

author comment

I bet it does shark !!
I bet it does.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

I'm going out on a limb and suggesting that you do not possess a rhyming dictionary.
As a thesaurus and a regular dictionary it is indispensable to the poet.
It should be sewn to your flesh.
I suggest the Penguin Rhyming Dictionary. It is the first computer designed dictionary of this sort and it's the easiest to use.
A thesaurus, a dictionary and a rhymer.
Remember that before we could buy rhyming dictionaries poets created their own. A member of my family has one of Byron's. Chaucer made a rhymer to help his head. There won't be words in it you don't know, it simply makes it easier to remember them.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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First I really need to do some survey on the price in the shops once I'm okay.

Alid

author comment

Do it on line at Amazon. You'll get it cheap. Also, if you don't have one, the thesaurus I choose is called The Synonym Finder. Best there is. Get it used also. Little more expensive.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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