Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Comrade in my Arms.

 

(Based on a story idea by Joe Kubert)

It’s Belgium ’44, the world’s at war.

The yuletide came and went, but brought no joy.

The Bulge is still a challenged corridor,

 yet with their progress troops now redeploy.                               4

 

And so the Private finds himself alone.

Awareness has returned and with it pain.

It must be night, he thinks, while lying prone,

for nothing can be seen of all the slain.                                         8

 

But then the man looks to the Prussian skies

and sees no cloud or brilliant Milky Way.

He holds his hand before his face and cries;

the G. I. Joe is blind to his dismay.                                               12

 

His eyes are caked with blood where shrapnel struck.

He scarce recalls the moment he was hit.

As only sight is hurt, he counts it luck.

Grenades are often indiscriminate.                                              16

 

His hearing seems acute and splits his head,

though silence is the loudest sound of all.

Would that the blast had taken it instead,

but only children spill their milk and bawl.                                     20

 

He’ll play the hand he’s dealt and place his bet.

Aught else is fancy and a squandered hope.

Thence on his hands and knees without regret

he leaves that fraud behind and starts to grope.                         24

 

The snow was mud beneath the daytime heat,

but now it freezes firm without the light.

An indicator strong, if incomplete,

that he’s in darkness, as his foe, at night.                                     28

 

He’s stalked Wisconsin deer and knows Death’s smell,

but there’s a pungent difference hov’ring near

 and mixed with Death is Life spite this bleak Hell

may bury it beyond his scope to hear.                                           32

 

Or will it? Now he hears that very sound.

A noise as clear as brass blown cuts the air,

though thin and seeming level with the ground.

A moan from several yards floats choked and spare.                  36

 

The Private worms his way through razor wire

and cannot safeguard hands and knees from hurt,

but trusting that the man’s affair is dire

he will not let him die alone in dirt.                                                  40

 

He comes upon the body draped in snow.

The poor man is so cold it does not melt.

He’ll die of frost and harrowingly slow,

for all that insulates is worn out felt.                                                 44

 

The injured man but scarcely stirs and moans

until the snow is brushed from off his legs.

And then the sound he makes could freeze men’s bones.

It gurgles as a drowning man who begs.                                        48

 

“Lie easy Joe, I’m here and by your side.

I’m gonna get you out of this, no lie.

His speech is hushed, for he would try and hide.

He fears he cannot know if Krauts are nigh.                                  52

 

An afterthought, he pats his forty five.

The wounded man draws back in sudden fear.

“Don’t worry pal, we’re both of us alive

and it’s my aim to help you persevere.”                                          56

 

Cat’s got his tongue, he thinks, or maybe worse.

“Now listen, I can’t see a cussed thing,

but let me ‘look’ you over like a nurse.

I’ll be right gentle. If I’m not just sing.”                                              60

 

But when the Private reaches for his head,

two mighty hands take his and guide with care.

The soldier tastes his bile as he is led

to where a jaw should be and finds but air.                                   64

 

“Sweet mother, you can’t talk and I can’t see,

but listen both my legs are still intact

and I’m a midwest farm boy, part Shawnee.

I’m gonna be your legs and that’s a fact.                                       68

 

You be my eyes and we’ll soon pretty sit,

so don’t you die before I save your butt.”

He finds a small syrette inside his kit

and gives the morphine to the man uncut.                                     72

 

“Are we alone?” The cripple nods his head.

With hands upon his face the Private ‘sees’.

“Then this will hurt, but prove that you ain’t dead.

Be quiet and we’ll take it in degrees.”                                           76

 

And so the Private hoists him to his back

to start the long, slow slog into the west.

With taps and tugs the mute points out the track

while sturdy Yankee legs pursue their quest.                                80

 

The night becomes as cold as on his farm

through winters growing up that he recalls,

but weak he knows a new, distinct alarm

and doubts he’ll get too far before he falls.                                   84

 

The broken ground is slick and treacherous.

His ‘eyes’ direct the legs as well they can,

but can’t relieve them from the tedious

and painful stumbles over such a span.                                         88

 

Though drenched in sweat the Private’s growing cold.

His speech is spare, his charge begins to shake.

The trials are fast becoming manifold,

but not so easy will the farm boy break.                                         92

 

One hour then and now a longer one.

They find no food or water on the dead

and even they grow scarce ‘til there are none.

The Private holds at bay a creeping dread.                                  96

 

He’d trudged into the lands his Allies hold,

convinced they’ll come upon a small patrol,

but he cannot out last the bitter cold.

The longer he’s exposed the worse the toll.                                100

 

No trenches had been delved across his way,

but several times a fox hole beckoned wide.

He knew that should attention wax blasé

no will he’d have to scale the frozen side.                                   104

 

No sound of man, machine or gun’s report

did drift upon the chill expanding breeze.

He falters more and more and must resort

to stretches on all fours as muscles seize.                                  108

 

Yet never does the slightest thought intrude

that he’ll forsake the comrade in his arms.

He’s weeping in his sightless solitude

and knows he’ll never see Wisconsin farms.                              112

 

Somewhere nigh midnight all the signals cease.

The Private does not notice it at all.

As he has done for hours without peace,

so does he carry on to rise and fall.                                             116

 

At last he falls and cannot rise again.

His charge has rolled away and silent still.

The soldier feels his buoyancy as sin

and so he prays as he grows ever chill.                                       120

 

“Forgive me, Father, for I now must fail.

You only set such tasks that we can do,

but I no more can counteract this scale.

I tried, my friend. I hope you know it’s true.”                                 124

 

Then blackness claims him and in dark he dreams.

He hears a voice, but does not understand.

Awash in voices, naught is what it seems.

He gropes and grapples sinking into sand.                                 128

 

“This one’s alive, but barely.” Says one voice.

“How ‘bout the one he carried?” One replied.

“The way I see, the boy made quite a choice,

but this poor Nazi officer has died.”                                              132

 

 

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Okay, boys and girls. Have at it. For the sake of the workshop, I specifically want to know from you where my climax and resolution are at.
Editing stage: 

Comments

This from just a reader:
Wow! The story is mind-splittingly amazing. The imagery is extraordinary. It's almost as if you were there. I have to ask; were you ever in a war or police action? Because you write it so well. Your rhyming seems effortless, (although I don't know what to call the pattern.) The lines that stand out for me are:

He’ll play the hand he’s dealt and place his bet.
Aught else is fancy and a squandered hope.
Thence on his hands and knees without regret
he leaves that fraud behind and starts to grope.

The snow was mud beneath the daytime heat,
but now it starts to freeze without the light.
An indicator strong, if incomplete,
that he’s in darkness as his foe at night.

I know you are not finished with this one and I shall look with anticipation for its continuation. Great story telling ability and technique.

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

It's a grammar faux pas, if you get my meaning.
Does this mean you liked the poem? That's some of the best encouragement I've had in a while. Wish you would check out my big poem. It's written by the same guy.
Thank you Cat.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment

I have read a little of your "big" poem and was very impressed. (a silent reader) I will set aside a block of time to read a lot more. Thanks.

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

A fever of lengthiness in me
This piece reminds one of
THE CHARGE OF THE LIGHT BRIGADE
sure enough you must have read it

Guns to the left of us,
guns to the right
and so on,
we marched into
a solitary bloody night
shells smashed upon faces still,
dark shadows followed,
as if they were there to kill,

We marched on relentlessly,
into the valley of death ,
so be it
fellow men fell like nine pins …
there was a din,
but the guys did well...
we did not sin
Yet battered through thick and thin
the end you know perhaps
I have since forgotten…

Do I qualify????

loved

I'm sure you do. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment

lot .
This poem just erupted from my mind...
Its not anywhere near the original,
which I had once read.
Thanks any way.

loved

I'v read some good poetry tonight. You poem was magnificent. You actually made a story unfold, (unlike I, who just blurts mine out in many stanzas).

Now I'll have to do some major re writing. This is something I really have to work on. Great poetry for the next 30 days.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

I felt the exposition complete, you've given the place,
the two wounded characters who it seems are about to
be more aware of each other after laying in the cold seemingly
dying, although they have not been named which could prove
important to this story ... hmmm am I missing something more?

But as will prove true with us all, whatever is missing from the exposition will not be clear until the complication sets in. Actually, I had thought it lacking, but your argument caused me to think the exposition is comfortably clear. I seem to have enough there to "start" the story.
Sure hope I can do this in something less than a thousand lines.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment

That line wow. The whole thing wow.

For me the epitome of the poem,
this would be a most wonderful way to give us the news!!
It might become a little strained I suppose after a while.:)

My Dad was in the first WW and some of this atmosphere
I sensed from him, although he only spoke of the positive
things that happened. He was gassed too. Only 17 yrs.

You can write poetry Wesley. Ann

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

So I've gone through and done a line-by-line edit:

A.Q = Author Query

L1: after 44 put in semicolon
L6: A. Q: instead of 'with it'perhaps consider 'also'
L11: semicolon after cries as the two clauses are sufficiently connected
L13: A.Q1: reads a little prosaically to me
L17: cut seems
L21: not sure if 'he's dealt' is entirely unnecessary
L22: cut 'a'before squandered
L26: change freeze to freezes. A.Q. 2: 'starts to'and 'begins to' are unnecessary as it is assumed the processes begin; it is only necessary if the action is interrupted before it's completion.
L30: A.Q.3: possible tense issue.
L32: cut 'his'
L33: A.Q.4: a little unclear rephrase for clarity
L34: cut 'as'
L37: A.Q. 5 perhaps there are other ways to this (e.g. but trust that man's affair is dire)
L39: semicolon after snow
L44: A.Q. 6 unclear on what is brushed off. Assumed snow.
L46: A.Q. 7 Lots of similes used perhaps rewrite some as metaphors.
L47: A.Q.8 P.o.v issue; how does the Private know Joe's name?
L51: hyphenate forty-five
L53: A.Q. 9 'we're both of us alive' gramatically unclear even though using slang and focalisation. Made me bump my nose on the page.
L58: 'if i just don't sing' A.Q. 10: unclear
L65: hyphenate farm-boy
L68: A.Q. 11 'butt' language inconsistency
L76: A.Q.12: aq11 makes sense now but the fact that he's a Yankee needs to be introduced earlier to avoid confusion.

Only other issue I noticed was that even though the macro-setting was really clear I was uncertain on the micro-setting. I assume they're on a battlefield in Prussia, but I don't know what kind. For some reason I imagined trenches however that is probably not right. Maybe mention earlier what type of battle field they are on.

Also you've consistently had four lines stanzas but lines 33 and 34 are only a two line stanza.

I loved this, please excuse the pedantic revisions as I couldn't critique on anything else:)!

I live for detailed critique. My cup runneth over and shorts out my computer.

Here we go then.

First a number of your suggestions muck with the meter. If you've read any of my other garbage you would see that I'm nothing if not precise. I may be a boring poet, but meter is my poetry god.
Example- Line 22. If I eliminate "a" I have to make another change to maintain the meter. I can't do that emotionally. Same thing with "freeze" to "freezes". Line 32 and 34 also.
Line 13 IS terribly hackneyed. I'll think on it.
Now, I hate semi colons and I don't see it necessary in line 1, but I agree with line 11. I'll find a stiff upper lip and do it.

I didn't understand your suggestion on line 17 (by the way, everyone around here hates it when I number my big poem for reference, but can you see how it would help in a long poem? I be numbering when I make your edits).
Line 33 has already given me grief. It will change.
Line 44 also bugged me. In fact that whole section seemed confusing.

Line 46 brings up a subject that annoys me all the time. As far as I can tell (and I've looked into this), the difference between a metaphor and simile boils down to the use of "as" opposed to "like". I've had other written conversations try to explain it differently, but never seen it move beyond that regardless of the happy little descriptions the scholars put forth. I've usually gone the road of a simile because if I say I'm as "cold as snow" I would be frozen and dead. Therefore it makes no sense. I suspect I will go to my grave whining about this.

Line 47. This is easy. His name is not Joe. In fact when we get to the end of this it will be obvious his name ain't Joe. My daddy fought in world war two and though he was one of the smartest people I ever knew (long listed for a Nobel Prize in education. Just thought I'd throw that out) he called everyone "Joe". I asked him once about it and he tried to explain that it was simply everyone's name in a military so huge that few knew each other's names.
Line 45. This is personal. I hate hyphens more than I hate semi colons and avoid them like the plague. I realize it causes a problem with grammar, but... they are ugly. I mean... that's all. They look ugly on the page... I don't know... I'll work on it.
Line 58 needs a comma.

To the Yankee reference. This is perhaps a little more subtle than it should be, but no other military on Earth outside of Great Britain uses the term "private". But I tried to make it clear he was an American by his language (which is not 'hick' enough. I don't do 'hick' very well), the reference "G.I.Joe" and Wisconsin.

I will be describing the battlefield more elaborately as I go on with their trek across it seeking help. I could EASILY have become lost in the description early on, but (as Jess would point out) I use too many words in my poems.
No matter how hard I try, writing something with "brevity" is the single most difficult part of my writing (please note the length of my rambling comments). As I have mentioned elsewhere, it takes me fifty lines just get up to speed. I tried very hard to leave stuff out, so I don't write such a long thing. I fear I could crash this site if I really got going.

Now, as to your comments. You be a gem baby. I don't agree with all of your suggestions, but I never do. With anyone. That you can look at something and talk about nuts and bolts, mechanics is worth its weight in ink. If you've a couple of minutes to spare, I have a poem (a mere 20,000 lines) that you might have a look at and discuss with me... line by line... by line... by...
Never leave.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment

While there are many climactic moments within, I believe
the climax of the story is when your character can go no
further and falls asleep from exhaustion, but it seems the
resolution is there as well.

For me some of the rhyming felt forced coming out, I read
this out loud three times and while it seems flawless in meter,
I believe some deviation from that would help (don't kill me)
with the overall flavor of the poetry. It seems to monotone out,
does that make sense.

A good story with a very good ending, one that leaves the reader
warm and wondering.

Richard

I thought the resolution was in the last line like a joke punch line. The climax was where you placed it though I didn't think it was strong enough. What can I say... I only used a hundred lines. Pretty frugal of me wasn't it? wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment

Let me tell you why I thought the resolution was there,
because your character had given his all to save his comrade,
and left it to fate or the gods from there, so he'd already accepted
whatever came next ... the man being a Nazi Officer, to some could
have been a terrible thing, but not to your character, at least not the
way I read it.

"Forgive me, Father, for I now must fail "
That looks like a climax to me.

Anyway, I think you're a genius. Great poem. I enjoyed this to the max.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

That is what I felt was the climax with the resolution essentially in the last verse/line.
I want more of yours. Don't give up on me. Your language is meant to produce stories.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.