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Colourless

Where once she viewed her colourful world through vivid chestnut eyes
She now views her colourless life through lifeless faded eyes of brown
Listening to the world pass her by from outside the window
The door locked and bolted shut to keep out the fear
But fear and dread has already penetrated deep inside
A once eager heart is slowly eaten by a hidden foe
This enemy is not visible but lurks underneath and festers
She is not sure who she is anymore; identity long gone
Purpose depleted; reality exits only within her four closing walls
Cigarette smoke drifts and swirls above her head in a mocking halo
She views the colourless smoke through lifeless jaded eyes of brown
Watching shadows dancing up the wall like ghosts in frenzy
Her emptiness draws dark lines under her tear sodden eyes
She cups her face into her hands to stem the thumping inside her head
But the drone is relentless and causes panic and rage
No spark left inside to ignite her passions or dreams
Staring down at her already scar filled arm, she ponders another cut
Track lines trace from wrist to elbow like a journey from hell and back
One more crimson line will break her from the tedious existence for a moment
She stares down as the blood drips then spreads onto the bed sheet
Where once she viewed her colourful world through vibrant hazel eyes
She now views her colourless life through lifeless faded eyes of brown

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

in this sentence: "Purpose long gone; reality exits only within her four closing walls" since you have long gone in the previous line, how about (purpose having dissipated or evaporated etc.?) now I'll go and read the rest of the poem!

*hugs, Sis

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Good spot!! Changed!

regards

One.

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"with all that I am & all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me"

author comment

I didn't see the end coming...it hit me like a brick wall! it is sad, that so many are so broken and have found such an ending...I knew one who did exactly that...

*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

...a cheery little piece for the Emotions In Colour contest...as always I went in the wrong direction.

Yes it is a common ending for many.

regards

One.

.
"with all that I am & all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me"

author comment

this is where your muse took you and it is good! I really like it.

*hugs, Cat
ever, eddy

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

I think that you have a little redundancy here. This is my take on some of your lines:

[through liquid chestnut eyes] vivid denotes a brighter color
limpid life through faded eyes of brown [leave out faded]
it doesn't really add anything. [In view of the fact that you use lifeless later, I would
I vote for the deletion of lifeless].

I would write these lines "Where once she viewed her colorful world through
vibrant hazel eyes", this way: [Where she once viewed her colorful world through
shining hazel eyes. She now sees her blank and colorless world through faded eyes
of brown

As per always, my suggestions are just that and you are free to ignore or use them as you see fit. ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

Thanks so much for the read, comment & observations.

The redundancy is a good sense & feel of this piece.

I used vivid as I was trying to create powerful feelings or strong, clear images in the mind to capture how she was rather than vivid in actual colour. I may need to look at that since you've raised the concern & suggestion. (I really appreciate this type of feedback as this one is important & your suggestion is relevant).

I need to ponder on what you've said & take some time out to re-evaluate the possible changes.

Thanks so much Gee, great comment,

regards

One

.
"with all that I am & all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me"

author comment
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