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Coldness

Hopeless flies
the arrow
hard
against the wind,

a cry in the distance
of the desolation
of a desperate heart,

a sudden stop
within the enigmatic
eye of the storm.

The revolution
passes by,
and silhouetted faces
smile,

furrowed brows
masked by shadows,
and cloaks of falsehood
like a masquerade.

The drum rolls,
and bells toll
with an uncertain harmony.

Alone,
I sit on an iceberg,
and watch the loveless sea,
as the continents
float away into my dreams.

Take the children in,
and drain the blood.

There'll be carnage
in a bit.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
A bit too abstract.
Editing stage: 

Comments

This poem is very personal, and I wrote it just when I was in the mood it portrays.

The line "the revolution passes by" is actually the core of the poem, and could pass as a title.

The last bit borders on the suicidal/self destructive.

Sitting on an iceberg, I thought, evoked coldness, loneliness and isolation.

Thanks for your comment.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

but that is probably a product of my deranged mind

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

You probably relate well to this poem.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

And the rest but this is strong imagery. Well done

I was looking to write something like Plath, with abstract words and strong imagery. I'm glad you liked it.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment
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