Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

The Coldest Night

I asked the falling snow, one eve
To spare a minute of its time
To listen and to please believe
My youthful tears, my golden rhyme

The falling flakes held too much doubt
I think in me- I know in I
And from the clouds they fell on out
They did not stop to see me cry

I wandered on- the snow that night
Had left me out alone and still
The darkest wind, the winter white
Was cold - yet I was colder still...

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I'm pleased that you came to Neopoet and look forward to more like this.
Title is excellent I think.
The language used is very good, depicts the cold as intended.
Rhythm and pacing is great, easy to read (and delightful).
The theme is very appealing to me, all about the coldest of cold nights (as I would expect from the title).

I would have liked to see it read:-

'I asked the falling snows one eve
To spare a minute of their time'

or:-

'I asked the falling snow one eve
To spare a minute of its time'

See what you think.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

Thank you, Alan!
And she needs to the advice...

author comment

is an enhancement to a very nice piece Etty. By the way, in my, view your line
'I think in me - I know in I' makes stanza 2 stand out and if it were my work I wouldn't change it for anything.

A lovely first write for Neopoet.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

with the very fair critique from Mr. Jeeves. I support the notion of changing from [their] to [it's]. Other than that, this read very well. Simple lines with good rhythm. ~ Geezer.
.

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
.

Line 2: ITS not THEIR (and not IT'S either)
Line 6: I don't understand this - is there a word missed out or are there some typos? "I think in me" doesn't make sense and neither does "I know in I"... And a full stop at the end of each stanza would help too.
.

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

I asked the falling snow one eve
To spare a minute of its time'

it's
appears better than

their ===would fit a person ....you may reconsider try google
otherwise a sweet poem

Hello, Etty.
Second line first stanza is a well worn phrase!
I'd do away with the sparse punctuation altogether.
I actually like the ambiguity in the second stanza.

all in all a good poem!

Obi.

..that everyone's advice has been totally ignored!
RIGHT ON BABY!
.

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.