This is just my opinion, so it only matters if it moves you and pls remember this is a workshop so we all hear from each other about the good bad and ugly

So I liked the first one and I like the second one and now Im feelin so what because
I like it ;
like a
booble
a bobble
a trinket
a wobble

or

skull on a stick
black candle wick
draining her soul
cant let go

Dragool drinks deep
legends red teethed
burial chamber
prayers bequeathed

its all blood day
dark kisses bite
his ghastly bride
waiting for night

etc etc etc
Rhyme is a device, its fun, but its obvious appeal and absence of gravitas makes it tedious as a prime mode of poetic expression I did the very same when I first started writing poems so I understand Try something else; don't worry about being a star. Poetry at its best is the evocation of the power of language, of culture, the world soul, and the deepest of human experience

Discover yourself ...Don't be afraid and bring it!!!
Ill leave you with a poem by Plath

The Applicant By Sylvia Plath
First, are you our sort of a person?
Do you wear
A glass eye, false teeth or a crutch,
A brace or a hook,
Rubber breasts or a rubber crotch,

Stitches to show something's missing? No, no? Then
How can we give you a thing?
Stop crying.
Open your hand.
Empty? Empty. Here is a hand

To fill it and willing
To bring teacups and roll away headaches
And do whatever you tell it.
Will you marry it?
It is guaranteed

To thumb shut your eyes at the end
And dissolve of sorrow.
We make new stock from the salt.
I notice you are stark naked.
How about this suit——

Black and stiff, but not a bad fit.
Will you marry it?
It is waterproof, shatterproof, proof
Against fire and bombs through the roof.
Believe me, they'll bury you in it.

Now your head, excuse me, is empty.
I have the ticket for that.
Come here, sweetie, out of the closet.
Well, what do you think of that?
Naked as paper to start

But in twenty-five years she'll be silver,
In fifty, gold.
A living doll, everywhere you look.
It can sew, it can cook,
It can talk, talk, talk.

It works, there is nothing wrong with it.
You have a hole, it's a poultice.
You have an eye, it's an image.
My boy, it's your last resort.
Will you marry it, marry it, marry it.

Best Z

with Zebra about letting go and finding yourself. I mainly stick with rhyme, but occasionally I break out with some free style and let fly! I also have become unafraid to soar with different topics and find myself just having fun. I like what you have done with the "lists" but feel like you have the talent to become much better than that. Look around and steal from any or everybody here. No plagiarism, but you know what I mean, if you find someone doing something that you would like to try, go right ahead and jump right in. ~ Geezer.
.

I think that's part of our process, and it's good to relax and just enjoy word play. I'm sure many of the poems in the canon began that way. I thought the poem was a fast enjoyable read, and light verse.
Some of our poems can be just sketches or watercolors of a flower, not "The Scream" or the faces of Egan Schiller.
The only thing I would suggest is definitely drop the last line. The poem works much better ending
"just water please" In the "please" is contained in the thank you, and the attitude fit in better.

Otherwise I like the poem, and enjoy what is presented on the level its offered.

said it better "Big E".