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Cold Homes

Submitted by Rula on Mon, 2012-12-03 14:43

 I've looked into houses
not really *homes*
some are palatial
with luxurious domes.

Well-furnished,
their hearth's lit,
yet cold still the rooms
and the beds.

The souls
seem strangers,
shadows living in holes,
or some ill-bones
and shattered thoughts
just gathered
under some bricks
and stones. 

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
Mindful Memorable Freeform: The Challenge

Comments

Geezer

Mon, 2012-12-03 19:35

Geezer's picture
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was meant to be free verse, but you even started to rhyme it in the first few lines! This poem just begs to be rhymed. If you are not going to rhyme it, at least trim up the lines and make them slick.

Here is how I would do it: I've sometimes looked into homes
Some were palaces
Luxurious places

Well furnished rooms
Fireplaces roar
And do not warm

The souls
of strangers
Shadows living in holes

Ghost howling in voids
some ill bones and
shattered thoughts

just gathered
under some bricks
and stones

Just what I would do, I think it makes it a little smoother. ~ Geezer

This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place

Rula

Tue, 2012-12-04 00:39

Rula's picture
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Thanks for coming .I think I will consider some of your suggestions whenn it is time to edit
Thanks for the time.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

scribbler

Thu, 2012-12-06 09:09

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Indeed the warmth of a real home is determined more by love than thermostat. Did you write this as morphing form on purpose? Don't guess it matters. Might try "merely gathered". For some reason it seems to me to fit better. Great description of the difference between a house and home.............stan

Rula

Thu, 2012-12-06 09:31

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thanks for reading . I think yes, mere works better (I'll wait for any other suggestions before editing) .But I am not sure what do you mean by morphing form.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

author comment

scribbler

Thu, 2012-12-06 13:02

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On closer inspection this is not a morhing form( a poem which starts out in one form and ends in another). I think it would better be described as a hybrid form of free verse which also uses rhyme for emphasis..........stan

docmaverick

Mon, 2012-12-10 01:40

docmaverick's picture

...this "style" in rap lyrics, in fact; it's really quite common. It's mostly used for a kind of segue, as it were.
Here,considering your tamer subject matter; I think it works fairly well. To me, it reads rather eloquently.
Nice effort,
sincerely;
doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
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loved

Wed, 2012-12-12 09:58

loved's picture

in houses palatial,
brightly lit
heated hot
very few live in homes
within warm blankets
provided by living souls
in human form,
we all are hypocrites
more than not, often

loved

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