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cogitations

My head aches from endless cogitations,
eyes full of unshed tears bluring vison,
A little heart burdened with the load of unreflected love,
love athsma makes breaking a difficulty,
unreplied loves the:
most painful punishment, worst form of tortue,
The skys filled with my sighs,
heaven suffers an onslaught of supplication; 'God please answer this prayer, let her love me as i love her.'

Review Request (Intensity): 
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Comments

I liked the theme of this, not sure what to say of the form it probably needs a little attention to Stanzas/verses that will make it easier to read.
Your word Asthma just needs to be sorted, other than that please write more as this is the only way to become better , Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

may I be so presumptuous as to offer some suggestions?

My head aches from endless cogitations,
eyes full of unshed tears bluring vison,
A little heart burdened with the load of unreflected love,
love athsma makes breaking a difficulty, [asthma]
unreplied loves the: [why the colon?]
most painful punishment, worst form of tortue, [torture]
The skys filled with my sighs, [cliche]
heaven suffers an onslaught of supplication; [that's a crappy line, heaven doesn;t give a crap]
'God please answer this prayer,
let her love me as i love he [is this a gay poem? nothing wrong with that, but loving straight blokes is a futile exercise in agony]

I feel your pain, and the poem works that way, but it really needs work.

And you could really come up with a better title. Cogitations is so un-emotive

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

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