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The Clown With No Name

There He stood with painted face;
All focused on the bright colours that he wore.
No one saw his eyes (they were out of place),
Why should they? That's not what they had paid to see.
It was his jolliness they chose to embrace.

His eyes, though, he could not over paint.
He could only shade around them to deceive ~
Nor gloss over them to conceal that troubled taint...
Eyes which contrasted 'gainst a huge red smiling mouth ~
Sad eyes... happy jocose smile... how quaint!

Children laugh, they think he's hilarious fun
(And so he is when you view him from their aspect).
Grown ups laugh too, when all is said and done;
They won't know what puzzles are under his hat...
'notalot' ~ if you'll pardon the pun.

I'm not funny, you see, such as is he;
He can recount a million gags by heart,
Ask anyone if you don't agree ~ with me.
Where he stores them is anyone's guess ~
Maybe neath under the spreading chestnut tree?

He has no folks, he has no wife;
He doesn't even have a name of his own.
He has no fulfilment, only strife,
All that he possesses is his own reflection.
(He has no family... has no wife... he has no children... has no life!).

Today it rained (he's not to blame)
Cats and dogs, so no one came.
He couldn't laugh ~ he tried and tried...
So he, the clown, just cried and cried.

ASJ

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I see what you are trying to show us, but I think you need a little work on the lines dealing with the eyes. [ over paint ] "Yoda speak" to make the rhyme is never really a good idea. It makes it seem trite and forced. ~ Geezer.
.

Come to chat every Thursday - 3:30 to 4:30 pm. EST.
With: c Lynn Brooks and Geezer

That's a most useful comment. I hadn't spotted it so I will look into it and see what happens.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

author comment

Yoda-speak is exactly what I was going to say, second.

Even more striking to me is the complete lack of meter. If the rhymes are replaced with similarly stressed similes in a poem it should still read like poetry.

Our next workshop will probably be on critique, we have a lot of newcomers who I think would benefit from that but then a workshop on meter. You could get a jump start on that with reading some highly metrical poetry, like the works of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, read it aloud and hear the musicality of the language.

There are several good and highly readable texts like the amazing Stephen Fry's "The Ode Less Travelled". Even the Wikipedia article meter poetry will give you some idea.

Remember that rhyme is the last and least tool in the poets kit; and there is also assonance, consonance and alliteration. Always read your works aloud, it is in the lyricality of the language that much of poetry's beauty lies.

Hmmm, perhaps you could do me, and yourself, a favour? I've often wondered if our archived workshops provide a useful resource. Would you mind briefly checking out-
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/basic-and-essential-meter
and let me know if you find it at all useful?
Thanks,

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

jocose

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Lots of good points here. I will certainly read 'workshop/basic meter' ~ this is one of the things I am here for. I tried to make the poem a pre-amble (prologue) with the main message in the last stanza. I think it may not have worked too well.
(Miss spelt 'jocose' ~ sorry

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

author comment

I have now read this, plus all comments. Read some Longfellow and ordered Stephen Fry's book.
Of course the workshop is useful, as are the comments to which you reply. Yoda-speak is a new one on me though so thanks, both of you for that. I guess I mustn't call it speak-yoda!

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

author comment

you have a good sense of humor. It helps around here. ~ Geezer.
.

Come to chat every Thursday - 3:30 to 4:30 pm. EST.
With: c Lynn Brooks and Geezer

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