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CIRCADIAN RHYTHM
The whole world drips this autumn day
like tears shed for a life gone by,
for times and folks now gone away.
I watch the steady rain and sigh.
There are no shadows on such days
yet memories hide everywhere,
amid dull monochromatic grays,
behind old trees now turning bare.
And like a phantom I pass through,
damp leaves quiet beneath my feet
each step revealing a new view
backed by the rainfall's steady beat.
Leaves, which dry, would float with joy
instead morosely drop straight down
then lie like some discarded toy
far below gray giants' crown.
I feel I might become a ghost
or perhaps I am already one
accompanied by some long lost host
whose story is already done.
A drip down my neck, I shake my head
to try to change my dreary mood
for I'm not Yet with the silent dead
and have no real excuse to brood.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Geezer
Sun, 2015-10-11 21:21
I like...
the mix of rhythm and pattern here. I think there are a couple of extra syllables in the lines:
1]. like tears shed for a life [near] gone by. I think that you could do without the word near and have it still have the same connotation.
2]. instead drop with [little] joy straight down Maybe use [no] instead of little.
All in all, another fine picture of the woods that you describe so well and the joy that you find there. ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
scribbler
Mon, 2015-10-12 10:49
Hi Gee
I had thought about dropping "near" then waffled and left it in due to indecision. So I'll now delete it and see how things go. I hadn't spotted the stumble in the line about wet leaves falling but once pointed out it is obvious. So I reworked the line and think it might be better now. I appreciate the visit and the suggestions.........stan
author commentGeezer
Tue, 2015-10-13 21:25
I think...
it flows much smoother now. Good rework of the leaves line! ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
scribbler
Wed, 2015-10-14 09:44
Thanks Gee
I Do try lol. But if stumbles weren't spotted by you they'd not have been fixed............stan
author commentwesley snow
Tue, 2015-10-27 18:08
The rhyme scheme is lovely,
but the meter is a bit of a mish mash.
Don't get me wrong... I can't not like one of your poems (not yet anyway), but the meter was very inconsistent with a "structured western" poem.
It will improve in the workshop.
Hey Geez, want to join a workshop? A hard one?
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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scribbler
Wed, 2015-10-28 08:40
lol
anything to plug your workshop! Thanks for visit even though for ulterior motive lmao.....stan
author commentemeka ozurumba
Fri, 2015-11-13 05:48
magnificient expressions, and
magnificient expressions, and i feel some solitude in the poem, i loved the use of your dictions
scribbler
Sat, 2015-11-21 19:33
greetings
Not sure such praise is deserved but it Is appreciated lol.........stan
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