Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

The Church

The Church
We arrive early to a morning service in a hurry
Look in every direction for jackets & mittens
A long line of performance can awake the senses
Straddling fences taking notes on a paper for reference
It's not based on steeples & bells or even a salesman giving something to hear;
No, his love was such that he suffered so much just to
Cause some of us to follow in his footsteps
The church should be in us all as a holy temple
It has withstood the heaviest cost of time
A heart saturated with truth in order to withstand
The truest test if time leave your worry's behind
Social injustice has infected so many
Heavy hearts moved from a sweet message of love
A beacon of light to a much hurting world in need
Confession is made in such a holy place to pray
An angellic host of heavenly onlookers guide the way
Many choose not even to visit or enter it's doors
Lest I implore another place in which to enjoy
Marriage as a holy institution is held within those doors
Funeral service for the dearly departed exit it's frame
It's for everyone whether black, white or Chinese
While the outside world is hungry for a teaching to knock you to your knees
Share the good news that you learned within it's doors
Help the widow, lame & handicapped see that there is a place of peace

Review Request (Intensity): 
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Editing stage: 

Comments

Not bad, but as I said in a previous post, it's too wordy.

The Church

We arrive early
to a morning service
in a hurry
jackets & mittens
in all directions
A long line of performance
awakening the senses
Straddling fences
Making paper notes for reference

It's not based on steeples or bells
or even a salesman pitch;
No, His love was such
that He suffered so much
just to cause some of us
to follow in His footsteps

The Church should be in us
Sacred temples one and all,
It has withstood the heaviest cost
of time

Hearts saturated with truth
In order to withstand
The truest test of time
That leave's our worries behind
Social injustice infects so many
Heavy hearts moved by love
freely given

A beacon of light
for a hurting world
much in need

It's also a good idea to use separate lines to emphasize and highlight meaning, cadence, and emotion. We are visual creatures, and seeing structure in a poem often reveals the cadence and meter to your audience.

And a word on religion: don't push it, REVEAL IT. Don't use a salesman's pitch, use a description of what belief makes you think, and feel, and the good things that it does to and for everything and everyone around you. You'll get more readers appreciating faith and belief if you show it to them, and not tell them about it.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.