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Savage King,
Why maim us still?

We knew magic,
charms and juju,
We had

Our gods we knew,
Now we read books
To know God,
Light candles
For prayers,
Pay tithes
For blessings.

Yet we die,
Worms eat our stock,
We see war,
Slavery, and
Births of still-born.

In faith we keep
Our salvation
is in heaven.

Where is heaven?

For questioning
Hell awaits me,
I'm a sinner;
We born sinners
Condemned already
By their God.

Slavery in chains,
Slavery off chains,
The mind.enslaves.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 


The opening is boom! right in the stomach of the reader. I'm all in! The logic of the poem is simple and direct, and very powerful.
I would suggest the last line be,
The mind enslaved.
I think you mean It is not slavery that enslaves the mind, it is the mind that is enslaved.

I do not think it is a sunku thing...who is counting syllables, who cares? this poem just knocks me off my feet. I love the way you put the idea that just by questioning where heaven is your are a sinner condemned to hell. The poem is angry, as it should be. You have the right to be mad at this god for all his disappointing performances. At least you had magic!

I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Advice taken, your comments mean a lot to me


author comment

I could not agree more with the sentiments expressed.

If there is an interventionist god he is a bastard!

A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'

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