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China cup...

Submitted by Roscoe Lane on Fri, 2012-01-06 05:50

China cup…

From a china cup, she sips,
I try not to stare.
Fluid is her touch, mind trips,
wishing my lips there.

Cup to mouth with ease,
pert the aftershock.
Nearly on my knees,
life a timeless clock.

My heart begins to thrill,
amour is now returned.
Let the world stand still,
new love has now burned.

At last we share her smile,
each, nicely discreet,
Breath, hints of camomile,
gentle, nectar sweet.

My change is great,
but none can see.
Such a wondrous state,
her lips belong to me.

Simple it is, once tasted,
eager we both sup.
Consume all, none wasted,
at her china cup.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
This is a poem from the old site, with a few subtle changes.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

wesley snow

Fri, 2012-01-06 12:24

wesley snow's picture
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Some of the lines could use a little meter tweak as they line up too short or long, but the brevity in language conveys the starkness in the emotions. I have felt this very thing. Good, good poem.
Oh, and "chamomile" is spelled with an "H".
Grammar Cop, wesley

W. H. Snow

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Roscoe Lane

Fri, 2012-01-06 15:41

Roscoe Lane's picture

Thank you Wesley, you had me rushing to my dictionary, and of course you're correct. But thankfully so am I, LOL, you can speel it either

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

Roscoe Lane

Fri, 2012-01-06 15:45

Roscoe Lane's picture

Srry made a hit the wrong button and posted before I'd finished, Thank you again for your kind comments. Regards Roscoe.. ps i did mean to say spell in that last post.

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

Nordic cloud

Sat, 2012-01-07 14:24

Nordic cloud's picture

Speel my sister uses as a description of someones chatter or performance, but I see it means climbing. Fun, words!
Agree with Wesley about rhyme; the content is intriguing sometimes a word or two stick out for me when I wish they wouldn't, that is in the meaning.
Has good potential with a little work.

Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Roscoe Lane

Sun, 2012-01-08 03:01

Roscoe Lane's picture

Thank you Ann, i will certainly work on this. Love Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment
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