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Childhood Friends

Submitted by alidzain on Tue, 2015-05-05 17:41

Looking through the old album,
I revived memories of my childhood,
moments shared with the best of friends
who formed the strong ties of brotherhood

I won't forget the day
we found a discarded mirror,
we made funny faces and did some poses,
pretending to be muscular bodybuilders

We had our fun, playing silly games
and gave one another nicknames.
Mine was " Short Alid" which sounds better
than "Little Grandfather"

We played pranks on the bullies
to teach them a painful lesson
that no one makes our friends cry
without facing any punishment

Time may have passed
but I'll always treasure these memories
that we have made together

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

scribbler

Tue, 2015-05-05 22:50

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a side splitting poem but it is pleasantly nostalgic. You need to check verb tenses beginning in stanza 2........Thanks for your entry.........stan

alidzain

Wed, 2015-05-06 07:44

alidzain's picture

here's the prob. When I read the rules about writing a poem to make you smile, I thought you mean just a happy poem. After I checked your entry I know I'm in trouble. lol. If that's the case you can throw this into the bin altogether cos even I know its a failure. The last time I try to write a funny poem is in your ws, something about a knight facing a dragon on his timid horse. Even then I'm not happy with the end result. With this constant pain on my chest and some sad happenings here, its hard to focus. I try to distract myself but it can be just too much to bear.Then again, maybe I'm just not good at it. I can do nostalgic but humor, that's kinda hard right now. :((
I'm still not good with the tenses so after I've edited, please point out if I still make mistakes. I'll see what I can do. If I still can't figure out how to follow the rules, I'll withdraw my participation from this contest. Just asking, can I post a totally different poem than this? Willl it be fair to others?

Alid

author comment

scribbler

Wed, 2015-05-06 11:14

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The rules are not mine, they are the monthly judge's rules. And you are forrest that they say it only needs to bring a smile to reader's face. But i also suspect the eventual winner will bring an all out laugh. So if you want, you can write another poem for the contest and edit "contest" from this one's title or rework this one to enhance the humor. The line about flexing muscles has real potential for this I think......stan

Rula

Wed, 2015-05-06 04:02

Rula's picture
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I think you can do better with the funny side of life, if any :(. I read this as some funny childhood memories rather than a funny poem.
Wish you the best

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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alidzain

Wed, 2015-05-06 07:53

alidzain's picture

if you read my reply to Stan, you'll see where I go wrong. Should have rechecked with him instead of assuming I know what its all about.Yeah I messed up. I guess I just have to learn from it. Seriously though, in spite of having read some good humor poems, I still can't see myself writing a good one. I just don't know why...I hope lovedly will participate in this one 'cos I know he can do it.

Alid

author comment

Rula

Wed, 2015-05-06 11:02

Rula's picture
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I guess my problem and yours are the same. I think it is never easy to interpret the sense of humor in your own language and the pain is doubled when you are writing in another language. Why don't you try a prompt picture like the one I've used. It might give some inspiration. Just a suggestion. Just google for some "funny pictures"

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

raj

Wed, 2015-05-06 12:23

Good theme...surely needs a work over I think..just an opinion..

raj (sublime_ocean)

judyanne

Wed, 2015-05-06 13:31

judyanne's picture
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This made me smile and feel good.... and that is how I read the rules for the comp.... but as Stan says - a joke or funny story would possibly more catch the judge's eye...

I can't think of any suggestions to assist you to make this funny in the laugh-type way, unless you can expand on the antics with the mirror.... Think of an instance when you or one of your friends did something that made you all laugh... there - share that particular funny moment rather than this general happiness

Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

alidzain

Wed, 2015-05-06 14:44

alidzain's picture

unfortunately,my mind is not working tonight. Thinking of throwing this one out but I just don't knw how to write a humorous poem. I did try before but it just doesn't work out. By the way, just want to ask. Is limeric considered old or new form?

Alid

author comment

Seren

Thu, 2015-05-07 12:24

Seren's picture

Whatever the reason for the poem its a beautiful warm memory put to words ... I think you should be proud of this write not scrap it as I seemed to get from one of your earlier comments to Stan

love Jayne xox

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

alidzain

Thu, 2015-05-07 16:35

alidzain's picture

Maybe I just take it out of the contest but keep it in my record here. Anyway, I'm giving myself a few days to think of another for the contest. It wouldn't be fair if I don't give my best even if it means writing a short one when others are giving their all. By the way, how have you been? I hope you are feeling much better, hun.

love and hugs
Alid

author comment

Sparrow

Fri, 2015-05-08 03:44

Sparrow's picture
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Not to worry in any way just look at mine, I haven't had a single comment yet, so you are way ahead, even if the comments suggest that you write a real fun one instead of a history.
Just use a fictional situation and write as if in a funny cartoon.
Take care, Yours Ian
PS:- very sorry to hear that you are hurting so much I do hope things improve for you..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

alidzain

Fri, 2015-05-08 03:48

alidzain's picture

I've replaced this with another one for the May Contest. Its entitled "Dating Blues".

Alid

author comment

alidzain

Fri, 2015-05-08 03:51

alidzain's picture

I can't find yours in the contest site. Did you really enter in the contest?

Alid

author comment

Sparrow

Fri, 2015-05-08 03:57

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I have just read your new piece and left a comment, my entry was called "Dictionary", if you need to find the works of any poet just click on their name and scroll down for a complete list of their works.
Take care out there young traveller, I hope you are feeling better today, Yours Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

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