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Chess

Submitted by Dennis Go on Mon, 2011-01-24 22:43

I played the game with a smile.

Pawns suppressing the move
Made by my hand for the king.
A mistake, and it's all over.

Checkmate.

The king couldn't move neither direction
For the opponent's difficulty,
But rather an invitation of defeat
Spurned with soldiers left looking
At a king's dethronement.

No more.

I lost to a mere
Enticement
Of a Queen.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Dennis Go

Tue, 2011-01-25 07:52

Dennis Go's picture

Thanks Shirley :)

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

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Dennis Go

Tue, 2011-01-25 07:53

Dennis Go's picture

Thanks JayCee :)

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

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Dennis Go

Tue, 2011-01-25 07:55

Dennis Go's picture

Thanks Ian :)

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

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weirdelf

Tue, 2011-01-25 07:18

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but when you read it aloud to yourself, do you really hear poetic values?
(I can guess your answer, but I don't).

I've read much better works of yours. Even small things like the awkward
"The king couldn't move neither direction"
detract from the elegance of a chess scenario.

I won't offer specific suggestions, but I think you could improve this a lot, it has great potential. It just lacks the elegance and drama inherent to the chess metaphor.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

weirdelf

Tue, 2011-01-25 08:04

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Playing chess is like living Machiavelli. Drama, deception, yes enticement, betrayal, it's all there. But above all it is elegant, a complex pavane played to fairly simple rules.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Dennis Go

Tue, 2011-01-25 08:07

Dennis Go's picture

Well JayCee, you could get a hang out of it once you learned the beauty of chess strategy. That's where the drama comes in. :)

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

author comment

Dennis Go

Tue, 2011-01-25 08:15

Dennis Go's picture

Hmm. Poetic values... I'll give your statement a thought.

Maybe I could find much better lines to replace what you deemed "awkward". Thanks for the advice.

Hate it when someone critiques, offers suggestions and it turns out his lines are lousier.

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

author comment

weirdelf

Tue, 2011-01-25 08:07

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you want to be polite and show your willingness to improve, then someone tries to make it worse.

Nonetheless, when I feel I have a decent suggestion to make, I will, I only ask that you consider before rejection,

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Dennis Go

Tue, 2011-01-25 08:21

Dennis Go's picture

Same here. But somehow I retaliate immediately when you post blunt remarks.

I only ask to keep your criticisms at bay because mona still thinks I'm arrogant.

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

author comment

weirdelf

Tue, 2011-01-25 08:35

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you are arrogant,
but big fucking deal. Everyone who thinks their poetry is worth reading has some measure of arrogance.

And no, Neopoet is a poetry workshop, not a showcase or, as your experience here so far seems to have been, a place to get your ego bolstered, so I won't keep my criticisms at bay if I feel I have something to say, and don't use Mona as an excuse, that is un-accountable and childish.

This may sound harsh, but it is not an attack. I wouldn't bother except that you are a good enough poet to be worth the effort.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Dennis Go

Tue, 2011-01-25 08:54

Dennis Go's picture

Hahaha you think I'm here just to bolster my ego and making mona an excuse.

Pretty dumb analysis from a "good-enough" poet.

Well then exaggerate your criticisms for all I care hehe Bring it on.

Nice to meet you. You're quite amusing. We could get along some time.

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

author comment

Kailashana2

Tue, 2011-01-25 08:57

Well, here I am Ms. Arrogance herself...I have no authentic suggestions for improvement so I'll just share my version of the game....it's written in every line of my poetry with or without my *turn*. That requires a certain *skill* level.

~A

Dennis Go

Tue, 2011-01-25 09:01

Dennis Go's picture

You're always welcome here Ms. Arrogance :)

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

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