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Checkmate

Submitted by Hooded Stranger on Mon, 2010-12-06 06:48

Checkmate

I came to make my peace
And set foot upon his sands
Under the banner of trust
He deceived with blood on his hands

I came to give him a chance
And knocked upon his gate
The alliance was short lived
His arrogance was his final mistake

Discriminate, eliminate, annihilate
Intimidate, exterminate, eradicate
Check
Checkmate

Intimidate, exterminate, eradicate
Discriminate, eliminate, annihilate
Check
Checkmate

I came with rage in my soul
Upon his sands we poured
Under the banner of hate
I spilled his blood upon my sword

I came to right the wrong
And brought his kingdom down
His rule had been short lived
And now I wear his bloodied crown

© 2009 hoodedstranger.com

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

lou

Mon, 2010-12-06 07:38

lou's picture

HS,

i like this one, but maybe you should swap the last two verses with the first two verses.

Or maybe the beginning, and the end should be the same.

i think it would work better.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Hooded Stranger

Mon, 2010-12-06 10:20

Hooded Stranger's picture

Lou,

thanks for reading and commenting.

I am going to leave the verses as they are simply because they were written specifically in that order. It is kind of like starting off with good intentions, but ending up in a bloodshed. To swap them would tip the balance off for me.

regards,

HS

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themoonman

Mon, 2010-12-06 08:22

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The title drew me in, I'm a fan of the game.
One can relate it to many things in life, and here
you've used it well. I did think the final line could
use something, I don't know ... I think I'd have
used "fucking" crown, but can see the reluctance
of others to use such illiterate vulgarities, and I'm
just thinking on the keys anyway ... and you caused
that so ...

thanks

Richard

Hooded Stranger

Mon, 2010-12-06 10:23

Hooded Stranger's picture

Richard,

you must know me too well, the original did have "fuckin" in the last line. I only withdrew it as I wasn't sure if it really needed it...I may well change it if we record it.

This one does have a deeper meaning for me but I have shown this to other friends and each gets something out of it relating to their own experiences...and I like that.

Thanks for dropping in my friend,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

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Geezer

Mon, 2010-12-06 08:43

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hate not being first to reply to a work, because someone else gets to use what I wanted to say. So I will just say that I agree on both accounts and add that this has big potential as a song. Great job! ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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Hooded Stranger

Mon, 2010-12-06 10:24

Hooded Stranger's picture

Gee,

I also hate having lots to say, only to find someone beat me to it!! Lol!

Song potential...I hope so.

Thanks mate,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Mon, 2010-12-06 10:25

Hooded Stranger's picture

Rosina,

this piece was almost finished and it was our conversation about revenge that reminded me of this piece. So I updated it and posted it...so thanks for the motivation on this one.

Revenge is sweet!

Thanks for reading,

Kind regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

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Candlewitch

Mon, 2010-12-06 16:57

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I came with rage in my soul
Upon his sands we poured
Under the banner of hate
I spilled his blood upon my sword

In my dreams I find revenge... you have written something which strikes a chord in me. I hate it when you try to make peace and you get ambushed instead! An inspired write, to be sure!

love, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Hooded Stranger

Fri, 2010-12-17 05:35

Hooded Stranger's picture

Cat,

They say that revenge brings you down to 'their' level...I have no problem with that...wrongs should be righted (is righted a word?).

Glad you saw the lyrics change from 'coming in peace' and ending in 'revenge'...this one has connections to a few incidents in my life.

Thanks for reading,

regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

ziggy

Sun, 2010-12-19 14:19

yes great lyrics a fantastic song in the making
"his arrogance was his final mistake "
this seems to start out as a peace gesture
and then all hell breaks loose ,,,,zigs

I salute anyone who breaks the rules in the interest of art and great poetry writing just as much as I admire poets who craft meter and verse within the confines of good grammar. Walk the tight rope or jump from it and see if you can fly.

Hooded Stranger

Mon, 2010-12-20 14:48

Hooded Stranger's picture

Zigs,

you have been busy catching up on my writes here!

You are correct with the 'peace gesture' and then 'all Hell is let loose'.

This is defeinetly one for our 'to be recorded' list.

You'll get the demo as soon as we have it.

regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

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infinite_dwarf

Tue, 2011-01-11 16:59

infinite_dwarf's picture

The title was very good, and it brought you in. What I was hoping to see was a little more of the cat and mouse chase as a chess game would be. Actually, this would make for a good short story, as then you can develop it, and write about the actual conquest. For whatever reason, I was reminded of the song The Man's Too Strong by Dire Straits.

All in all, fantastic writing, friend.

Hooded Stranger

Thu, 2011-01-13 16:08

Hooded Stranger's picture

Jess,

firstly it is great to have you commenting on my work. You were always my favourite and sometimes harshest critiquer!...I always enjoyed your 'no bullshit' approach.

I am in the middle of writing a fantasy novel and part of the story is based loosely on this piece. Since I wrote this as a song, I didn't have the space to expand on the details. Maybe I should write this again as a poem where I can then expand and add more of the 'cat and mouse' chase.

I listened to the Dire Straits track just now...and I can see the connection (although I can't actually stand Dire Straits!)

Thanks for reading and commenting...I really appreciate your views,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

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infinite_dwarf

Fri, 2011-01-14 16:39

infinite_dwarf's picture

Not like Dire Straits??!!! Oh, you break my heart, friend. They're one of my fav groups. I actually can't wait to see the developed work, and what you come up with.

Hooded Stranger

Fri, 2011-01-14 22:24

Hooded Stranger's picture

Jess,

I like numerous bands, but Dire Straits for some reason irritate me, much like Nickleback do.

I have already begun to work on the poetry version of this. I will make sure you get to read it first my friend since it was your idea to begin with and I am enjoying giving it a go.

Thanks,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

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