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THE CHARM WOMAN

I was taken by your shapely figure
Like a bird caught in its nest victimized
your beauty baffles me thereabout
for your eyes blink like shooting stars

your feminine stature has made me tall
I now set my sights beyond moderation
tasting love in the thin air is now a waste of energy
my anticipation to love is broken

looking upon you feels hopeless as I desire
truly you're already set for political champions
I can never dent my intention just for a spoonful of your happy hour of expression

let this love cage till my better time comes
your beauty ambition is dangerous to me
I'm now declining from looking at your back
my life would be save if I turn off my eyes

©® Onyinyechi Cosmos Etu

Review Request (Intensity): 
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Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
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Comments

in this line: I was nabbed in your shapely figure (try: I was taken by your shapely figure)
line #2 like (a) bird
this line: for your eyes blink(s) like shooting stars (take the "s" off of blinks so it reads: (blink)
this line: your feminine stature has made me to giraffe (change to this: your feminine stature has made me tall)
S2 L2: I now set my sights beyond moderation
tasting love in the thin air is now (a) waste of energy
my anticipation to love is (cracked )remove. replace with (broken)
gazing at you is just like hugging empty space (try: looking upon you feels hopeless)

everything I have proposed is just suggestions, it is your poem and your decision.
*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Please check it out. Thanks !

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment

Good work, very nice!

*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

You are the best Cat!

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment

appreciate your time to read and give critique. Thanks a lot.

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment

You can make me envision that woman walking down the street and help her entice and capture my soul!
If you listen to what Cat says, you will make this a fine poem! ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

I will definitely work on it. Thank you so much Geezer

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment

I am liking your work here,

I've only a small suggestion. Make the first stanza a three liner

I was taken by your shapely figure
Like a bird caught in its nest victimized
your beauty baffles me thereabout for your eyes blink like shooting stars.

IMHO, this would make the piece's form more appealing to the reader. Besides that the lengthened line is powerful.

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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Ray, what is IMHO?
And which line should be removed entirely?

I appreciate your reading.

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment

Iwould,t eliminate a lime completely, just add S1L4 to L3.

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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