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Chained

Submitted by atorn on Sun, 2021-05-16 13:42

The gate to my soul
chained shut and overgrown
It's been so long
I've lost the key
I've forgotten who is me
I sing forgotten tunes
to the echo of a twilight tomb
no audience to be seen
just an awkward echo from distant walls
my song is like a siren's call
Will someone come and set me free?
I could be a blessing
or perhaps a curse
I'm not sure which is worse for me
The sand that fills the hour glass knows
but never speaks of secrets as she flows
over the locked gate of my soul
tightly chained and overgrown
I wonder where I left that GOD Damned key

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

c lynn brooks

Mon, 2021-05-17 09:49

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I found your last line a bit weak in comparison to the rest of your poem. The poems content brings many scenarios to mind nice work

Chrys

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Geezer

Mon, 2021-05-17 11:57

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I would change the line of:
"none in attendance that can be seen
just the awkward echo off distant walls"

I would make it read:

"no audience to be seen
just an awkward echo from distant walls
my song is like a siren's call
Will someone come and set me free?"

Just my thoughts, as always, you are free to use any
or all of the ideas I have given, they are yours
to use or not. ~ Geez.
.

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atorn

Mon, 2021-05-17 16:01

atorn's picture

Thank you for the advice, It does seem to flow better that way

author comment

Geezer

Mon, 2021-05-17 19:23

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this site is all about, helping each other. I'm glad to have helped. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Arrow

Thu, 2021-05-20 20:55

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I think getting rid of the word "soul" would result in no loss. In fact, I feel like it would make it stronger. (Full disclosure: whenever I read the the word "soul" I just internally sigh and want to stop reading.)

Soulless Possibility:
"The gate is shut
chained and overgrown"

I think there are some other redundancies: for example, if something is overgrown, I know a long time has passed. I don't need it explained in the next line. Same with echoing in a tomb. The imagery lets me know there is no audience.

Otherwise, this is pretty tight with a pleasantly light rhyme scheme.

atorn

Fri, 2021-05-21 08:44

atorn's picture

Thanks for the comments

author comment

Candlewitch

Fri, 2021-05-21 11:19

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how about a (twilit tomb) instead of a (twilight tomb) the rest is excellent!

*hugs, Cat

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