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The Cellar Door

Don’t open the cellar door!
Down in the depths are dark dreams.
Satyrs have been known to enslave the angels
Making them perform erotic madrigals.
The stuff of loamy foam hangs on the walls
Like a moist sheet of sperms, like spears,
Waiting to dive in the egg.
You will descend to be trapped in a spiderweb
Of steel wires to be devoured whole.
Do not open that door!

But of course you will, for the thrill.
The house of life is haunted
And the days pass slowly as red ants,
Incessantly devouring one leaf, then another.
The attic’s trunks of fading photographs
Now take solace in a crowded paradise.
You inhabit the rooms filled with the smells
Of your life, the perfume and the stink.
Ah but past the door, past the cellar door...

Of course you will unlock it
To the nausea of moaning creaks-
Something awaits with a hatchet in its arms
That will finally crack open your brain
And release the mammoth flock of ennui.

Editing stage: 
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Comments

For the cellar door event. Hope it sounds good.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

author comment

Got some good lines and alliteration here. But for some reason, at least for me, it doesn't sing. Might be my love of rhyme

this is the warning way. You gave the cellar door it's justice I believe.
However the way the piece flow is more like prose than poetry, could be just me though. See what others have to say.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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The poem is using a devise that started somehow and is seen in poetry today- use of slang and low language, being very chummy with the reader as if you were having a coffee together. Its an attitude , a stance or voice in this type of poetry. It borrows voices from the environment, offers a certain tribal bond between reader and poet (According to one book on the subject by Tony Hoagland "the Art of Voice" ) Maybe that familiarity makes you feel that way. Many of the poems used in the book to illustrate this sound of intimacy did have a prosy feel.

But the words themselves are so charged with the sound with the neighbor words that if it were prose it would be, I think, ridiculously flowery.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

author comment

And you did not disappoint. It works for me at every level, in fact I didn't understand Stan and Rula's critique. Hey guys, did you read it aloud? I will when I get my tech sorted.

Perhaps one typo-
Making them preform erotic madrigals. [perform?]

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

especially ennui for boredom

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

Jess I went to my workshop last night and most people liked the piece but in the end this was the version they preferred. The group is very minimalist in general.

The Cellar Door

Don’t open the cellar door!

But of course you will, for the thrill.
The house of life is haunted
And the days pass slowly as red ants,
Incessantly devouring one leaf, then another.
The attic’s trunks of fading photographs
Now take solace in some crowded purgatory.
You inhabit the rooms filled with the smells
Of your life, the perfume and the stink.
Ah but past the door, past the cellar door...

Something awaits with a hatchet in its arms
That will finally crack open your brain
And release the mammoth flock of ennui.

I think they might be right. WDYT?

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

author comment

is a triple oxymoron? The phrase is absurd and I really don't like it. Though it didn't strike me so badly at first reading.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

I do like the shortened version more...but even your throw away bits are so solid and well written it is a shame to loose them.

but I do like the 'getting straight to it' rationale of the later version.

always a pleasure to read your work

Al

Why I love live poetry workshops. A crowd of good poets can so often put you in a new prospective with a poem. Much appreciation for the time you spent reading both versions of this poem!

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

author comment

This is truly excellent. I cant see anything I'd change. This one really makes the hairs on my arms stand on end. It takes you into the cellar making you want to look behind you. There is a certain atmosphere thats hard to capture but here you've created it perfectly.

Thoroughly enjoyed this one. Look forward to joining you all in the workshop. If its not too late.

Cheers

Jayne

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

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