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The Celestial Threat

Submitted by Jackweb on Sun, 2021-09-12 19:00

On that solid selfish night
dark threatened to shut down
and bang out

the flamboyant moon resists
tear gassing florescent light
warning the shooting stars to depart

and the flickering star halts
giraffin in a subtle manner
but only the clustered cloud burgles his way to victory

and the night dies smoothly

Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Sun, 2021-09-12 22:37

Geezer's picture
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1] And the flickering star[s] no [s]

2] but only the clustered cloud burgle[s] add [s]

3] and the night die[s] smoothly

Your title is good and in keeping with the story
I like the theme
The logic is there, but subtle.

~ Geezer.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

Jackweb

Sun, 2021-09-12 23:41

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I will definitely get the errors corrected.

Thank you so much.

Geezer, "The logic is there, but subtle".

Do you think there's need for extension?

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment

Geezer

Mon, 2021-09-13 00:32

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I was just remarking that your logic is there, but not overdone, as it might be if you try to add to it. I think it is fine just the way it is, for logic. ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

Jackweb

Wed, 2021-09-15 10:26

Jackweb's picture
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Alright. I got you now.

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment
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