Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Cast In Stone

Submitted by alidzain on Mon, 2016-03-28 13:22

When the mind is at sway,
where will your dreams lay?

Will they perish as an incomplete design
or hope will be the anchor you'll find?

Be firm and stand tall,
don't be afraid to fall.

May the will of your heart be cast in stone,
not the remnants of a broken old bone.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

raj

Mon, 2016-03-28 13:44

Good theme Alid

I believe for maintaining the rhyme, you may have compromised on the grammatics. Without losing the essence, I suggest small tweaks as below in 2 lines for your evaluation.

When the mind is at sway,

Will they perished [perish] as an incomplete design

I liked it..

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

alidzain

Mon, 2016-03-28 14:37

alidzain's picture

thanks for the visit, the read and the comment.

Alid

author comment

Sparrow

Mon, 2016-03-28 19:06

Sparrow's picture
Volunteer badge

Let not the mind dream
Hope to me is negative
Only positive action can be
There in the light dwells a sharp mind
Then looking inward,
one can see eternity
Dwell not on others dreams
They can be false
Walk in the way
of your inner thoughts
Consider the purity of your thinking
If it is not so,
then seek forgiveness of yourself.
Go well young Alid
it is good to walk with you,
Yours, Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

alidzain

Mon, 2016-03-28 20:26

alidzain's picture

I suppose different people, differen opinion. You see hope as negative, I see it as a stepping stone for things to change for the better after actions have been taken. Thanks for the visit, the read and comments. Been too busy to write longer poems but I try to take the time to read a couple of works done by others. By the way, how's the poem you wanna write about Digit? Have you posted it?

Alid

author comment

Sparrow

Tue, 2016-03-29 03:40

Sparrow's picture
Volunteer badge

Thanks for your reply, the only reason I think hope is negative it to me when all you have left is a thought that things could be better instead of positive I will make things better then it seems to be a lay back and wait sort of Idea..
Digit was last heard of in Singapore I am expecting a message from him soon he has been on a long sort of holiday lol.
You take care out there, it takes a bit of research to make Digits pieces seem more real and I have been lazy ..
Yours as always Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.