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Canterbury Melt.

Submitted by Sommer Lyn on Sun, 2016-11-27 03:49

Fancy a folie à deux?
A flight abandoned in winter’s
piss-poked snow-dimples,
and the frosted glasses
of small town hovels.

Hemmed in by the fangs-
dazzling deflectors for the flare
and trees;
A hanging, prismatic prison
glinting malevolently.

Melt me, please!
Emblazon me like a golden
ethereal dew
molten on the leaves
and falling free.

Boughs breaking -
Mutinous fractures
echo in the frozen vacuum
of a crisp, acoustic
wilderness.

Slipping sidewise,
Flexible in flux
I liquefy the perimeters,
And dissolve into splinters
every winter.

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Obadiah Grey

Sun, 2016-11-27 07:31

Obadiah Grey's picture
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Wonderful use of language,
If I were to be pedantic - I'd replace the "boughs breaking" line, its a little too over used a phrase,
and perhaps, the last two are the weakest.

well worth coming back to.

Obi.

Esker

Sun, 2016-11-27 10:03

Esker's picture

"boughs broken"

for some reason.I think of ribbon
xmas..the cold waste winds blowing
before boxing day pick up
material fracturing in the minus
weather like candy cane
and toffee
colorful crumble

People read me and
Like the work I guess
I can say the same for
your work..

totally blown away
but Im listening to the
most far out music
slept maybe three hours
running on nicotine
and caffienne but used
the energy to clean
the house today..
so when I sat down
and cranked on Psychedelic
Doors tribute...cranked
out my responses and
simple work
and found yours

my day..
my day...is simply
.............complete...
............Thank You!

Steven.......

Geezer

Sun, 2016-11-27 14:17

Geezer's picture
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that you could just reverse the two words and still have the same effect and it will not have the "cliché" feel. Writing your name in the snow, and trying to maintain a holiday feel. I can see that.
Even if I didn't get the idea, it gives one something to think about. ~ Gee.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Sommer Lyn

Mon, 2016-11-28 15:52

Sommer Lyn's picture
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Hello everyone.

Thank you for your comments. Perhaps the broken boughs are a cliche, but sometimes life is cliche and the whole scene I wrote about was a bit of a southern hemisphere/NZ country winter stereotype, which is what compelled me to write about it to begin with. However, I will take your comments under advisement, and nut out a better, short descriptor.
I recently entered this in a NZ literary society competition, and won out of hundreds of other poems. Which was surprising, given I share all of your opinions and feel like this is a weak write.

Thanks again for the input!

author comment

themoonman

Tue, 2016-11-29 22:15

themoonman's picture
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I found this delightful to read,
and read it again out loud.

Then I went back and read more
of your poetry ... damn, you are
good.

Thanks for sharing with us,

Richard

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