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Can't fall asleep serious limerick WS

a.
It's three am in the twilight
my iPad is my nightlight
the music on my iPhone
drones on all night long
and I can't sleep to save my life.
b.
I woke up feeling well, took heed
as tomorrow is not promise me
taking one day at a time in my stride
moving about taking my time
not to take for granted this day indeed.
c.
I'm awake early and feeling great
immediately rising up in haste
as those abusive words that depress
is driven away leaving me fresh
from many days of ailing that’s dissipating.
d.
My eyes are clear to day
stress and strain at bay
not so without my glasses
but the glare has passed
from my eyes as well as my dismay.
e.
So instead of listening on the phone
I made a choice to leave my home
to fellowship and worship God
causing much hurt and nod
as the air outside pained my cheekbone.
f.
My well days are far and few
then bad days come due
everyday a sunrise is a prize
for my weary soul and eyes
whether it's a bad or good day come new.

Editing stage: 

Comments

but you have sacrificed aabba
Let Iess judge it

I just took a half pill of anxiety med as I can't fall asleep. So before I crash I'll respond to this. I think aabba was well implemented, but then I tend to be tone death to meter. I think light, night and life rhyme. iPhone and morn I do question. Five mins in and meds starting to work. Thanks for reading and sharing your critique.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

7 to 10
in first second and fourth
5 to 7 in 2nd and third
rest ..meter you know much more
than i do
well now I have heard
it's nice of you
do improve upon my too

As for meter I'm a nitwit. Past WS has proven this lol. I'll work on it but it's my final limerick. I'll try to make it workshop approved. So please critique again so I'll know

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

Good theme. However, you my want to re-look at both rhyme (should be similar for L1,2 & 5) as well as lines 3 & 4 need to be shorter. Of course this is what I have learnt during this WS.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

I tend to struggle with shortening those lines I will put a picture in my brain of what the lines should look like then shorten them according or I maybe a lost cause. Lol. I must now get the dictionary out and broaden my already broad for my circle of ppl vocabulary. Thanks

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

Not bad, Barb, not bad.
Line 4 is too short
and line 5 too long
perhaps something like
"The music on my 'phone
drones on all night long
and I can't sleep to save my life."
or something similar?
Also, I don't like the word "life" at the end,
but I don't have a clue what you'd replace it with.
For me, it's just too soft, too passive a word, for a limerick.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

thanks Jim for the suggestion, I needed it.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

Thanks I like it. It sounds better and glow effortlessly like a river. All I need now is the sound affect to go with it. How this Jess do I qualify for the shirt? lol

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

A neat little write now try and sleep the best cure for anxiety
is a cup of inner peace.
I always have music playing when going to sleep it stops the noise I can hear all the time that sounds like white noise.
Same noise as the universe makes so as we are a part of it then it must be normal lol.
Take care young troubled Lady I shall send you a space in time, where there is a silence even the gods would enjoy, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

its the outside world that keep me stress to the max and the things im not able to do that keep ppl complaining and finding fault.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

How this? How is my grammar once upon a time my favorite subject. Lol.. A well day for me.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

One, limericks should stand alone, even if they are presented as a group, like Haiku, not Renga.
Two, the form is too often too far often. The point of the workshop was to be strict to limerick form.

Really good poetry though, Barbara, thank you

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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