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A Candle in the Night

candle in the night
very cooling to the eyes
soothing to the soul

the flame does flicker
in cool breeze blowing
like a rhythmic dance

my heart strikes the chords
to this choreography
performing alive

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Took me back to the power cuts of the seventies raj,
candle light is an almost other-worldly experience for me.

Muchly enjoyed..... Obi.

thanks for reading and good to know you enjoyed this write....

be well..stay safe...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

candle light is mesmerizing and beautiful
I find nothing to add or correct i this piece

Our chat room is not only there for Thursday afternoon chat 3:30-4:30
but it is there and ready for all to use at anytime of day come often and hook up in conversation to those across the globe

appreciate your taking time and reading through my effort and to know you liked it...thanks...will be reading your posts soon..

be well..stay safe...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

This is a soothing piece, very much like the feeling the candle brings to a romantic night.
Thank you for coming back

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

to get an appreciative comment from likes of you is inspiring....good to know you found it romantic as well :)

take care...stay safe..be well..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

How lovely your description being perfect and very effective I could see it flickering!

Thank you...Teddy

thanks for visiting my page ...good to know you liked it and it also created an imagery for you..

be well...stay safe..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Your poem is fine I think.
The title is ok and describes the piece well.
The language you use is straightforward and easy to follow (if you were actively editing maybe St. 2, L 1, swap 'does' for 'may').
Very difficult to see how the beginning and ending could be improved.

For me the metre is just slightly out. If you were actively editing an extra syllable in St. 2, L 3 would be useful ~ say:-

'fanned in the cool breeze passing'. (5,"7",5)

However, well done raj.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

for taking time to read and leave an elaborate comment with few suggestions..i will take a look at them for sure and see what i can do.....

thanks again...be well..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

swapping does for may would alter the context that it is about what is being witnesed

adding another syllable in the third line though may improve meter will spoil the 5-7-5 sequence of this piece...i will see though if there is a way to improve the meter..

thanks again..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

When I meant St. 2 L. 2.

'In the cool breeze passing' I count as 6 syllables making stanza 2. 5,6,5. by adding an extra syllable would maintain your 5,7,5 metre throughout the piece.
I aplogise for the confusion.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

for pointing the error...i have corrected it now...hope it fits well ...

regards...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I am happy to see you. Glad you returned at a time I'm here.

I like this a lot. Very delicate and very romantic. Candle light, you can't lose.

Sue

good to see you too...i am happy to know that you liked this poem...

take best care...stay safe...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

please forgive me i did not see these were 5 7 5 (so thanks to Alans eyes),

in the cool breeze thats passing------or -----in the cool breeze thats blowing

i personally like blowing because it gives that feel of wind moving the candle.

Thank you...Teddy

I have switched to blowing instead of passing ...

thanks for the suggestion...

be well..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
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