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A Candle

My heart will never hurt you
But my candle burns low
Deception or what is true
I'm afraid you'll never know
I will sacrifice my freedom
To spare your heart from pain
But will your soul feel lonely
In our empty picture frame?

Find another selfish lover,
Make your mind up when you may,
And I hope you shall discover,
All the blessings of the day,
May the cold wind never harm you,
As you wander through this space,
Let the beauteous waters charm you,
Let the bonds of Time unlace.

You may live a tranquil being,
Drifting through the rose red sky,
All the beauty that you're seeing,
Makes the whole creation cry.
As your candle drips to zero,
Let your loveliness increase,
You will find another hero,
Learn to live your life in peace
Or why not just bugger off.

Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

for your first post. Keep writing and make sure you read your messages. ~ Geezer.
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It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

The word choice, meter and rhyming in this piece is pretty fair for a rough draft.
Welcome

Thomas

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

I find your comment unhelpful, patronising and condescending. "Pretty fair for a rrough draft" is positively insulting (for some reason, my poem was listed by the site as a "rough draft" which it is not, no matter - that was no cause to be rude)..

If this is what I can expect at this site I shan't be here for long.

author comment

I hope you don't bugger off, I like what you have posted so far.
To my ear, your work has an englishness redolent of yesteryear, and is ofttimes missed by the *ahem* foreign chaps.

so, give the site a whirl and a little leeway if you will.

Obi.

I have nothing to say. Welcome anyway

Thomas

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

Hi Lamington
Your basic material has some good stuff in it but I think it would read better in terms of rhythm and rhyme if you presented it in rhyming couplets (as I have done in one I posted recently for the same reason). It is a bit stuttery as it stands.

The bugger off line is a great juxtaposition to all the lovey-dovey stuff, but I think you could build up to that line by injecting a little more edge into the poem- making it more cynical; more sardonic. I often read a poem out loud and act it out as if it were dialogue. That exposes the internal rhythm and any flaws that may have been built in. I have taken the great liberty of re-writing your poem and changed some of the words to illustrate my points. I hope you don't mind.

My heart will never hurt you but my candle burns so low.
Deception? or Truth? - I'm afraid you'll never know.

I will sacrifice my freedom to spare your heart from pain
But will your soul feel lonely in our empty picture frame?

Will you find another lover, make your mind up when you may,
And I hope you shall discover all the blessings of the day.

May the cold wind never harm you as you wander through this space,
Let the beauteous waters charm you, let the bonds of Time unlace.

You may live a tranquil being drifting through the rose red sky,
All the beauty that you're seeing makes the whole creation cry.

As your candle drips to zero let your loveliness decrease,
Will you find another hero or learn to live your life in peace……

…….Or why not just bugger off.

Thank you for the considerable effort you have gone to. Your version is excellent. Feel free to publish it under your own name with my blessing. Maybe amend the final punchline to reflect your own feelings... I shall add you to my faves!

L.

author comment

Thanks Lamington - I won't adopt your poem but it was an interesting experience all the same.
Will

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