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Callow Serenade...

The dusk softens your face
Smooths your worried mouth
Puts a smile to your lips
But I'm looking farther south

To the dimple of your chin
My eye rests there at last
Did you think that I meant further?
I wouldn't be that crass

I don't love you for your body
Well, maybe just a bit
But hear my serenade
While you're fondling my wit

The shadows of the hour
Play across your skin so white
I open up your nightdress
It really was so tight

Take my hand and place it so
Upon your lovely breast
My heart is racing faster
It may burst out from my chest

Your scent of perfume rises
Makes the air so sweet
I inhale the smell of love
From between your head and feet

Kisses from red lips
You whisper in my ear
I feel the time is right
You answer; "Put it here"

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
A title change seemed in order due to a comment that said in essence, that it left him cold.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I adore your serenade. Filled with passion. I think that you have a few unessesary words and some that could be changed like smoothes your worried mouth instead of the ,I know you have used your on the other lines but it's fine , hey I'm on my cell phone for the next week so I cannot help too much sorry my friend. But I shall come see your edit. Are you writing a book of serenades?

Thank you...Teddy

that I see any extra words. Maybe the word [so] is one? I used it to keep the rhythm and to give the reader the precise image of the lady taking part in the seduction, not just a recipient of attention, but an active part. Sort of a [show-me] how you like it. No, not writing a book of serenades, but just something I pondered while watching a young couple in a T.V. movie. They were inexperienced and though passionate, a little awkward. Ahhhh, young love and the "first-time". ~ Geez.
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author comment

well, now you went and dun it; you have offended my Puritan sense of decency, which now compels me to follow your example and . . . Naw, Sir; I'll let it be. But whatever did you mean by "While you're fondling my wit?" Is 'wit' a euphemism for the male. . . LOL. Well, as I have set before--I'll let it be. Nice serenade to be sung around bedtime. Jerry

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>Please visit my website: www.jerrykspoetry.com

it is an euphemism for the male...ego. Yeah, uh that's it. He was whispering what he thought to be very witty and original things in her ear. She in turn was fondling his ego, by saying how witty he was. Yeah, that's it! Thanks for the read and comments. Always nice to have the approval of another experienced author. ~ Geez.
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Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
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author comment

Hi, Geezer,
Wow! I almost feel as if I am intruding into your intimate, sweet, teasing and a bit naughty moment! I have a huge grin on my face, but can't find the words to express exactly why. Love this - love it, love it!
L

Maybe because you have the mind to make this a senario that is easy to imagine? Hmmmm? Glad to put a grin on your face; I guess the youngster must have appealed to your inner cougar? LoL
~ Geez.
.

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
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author comment

I read this aloud in a coy and darkly playful tone.
It felt genuine as an interaction. Something I myself might say. Romance and cheese are close friends.
For me it could have been a conversation between a Honey Bee and a Rose.

Thoughts...
The title is "click bait" and lazy. Might as well have a painting of Fabio holding a damsel. Speaks nothing to the type of "Sexy" or flavor of "Serenade" we are to experience. The feeling I get from this piece and it's overall intention is something about how Sexy Consent really is. It is a dance of teasing leading up to that moment of Consent....which desperately needs to be taught in an obvious manner to the pornographically confused youth.

also

The last line "put it here" feels like an old decrepit porch cowboy saying, "put her there partner" and all of my sexy tingle muscles go limp. But maybe that is perfect. Good sex is all about the build-up ;)

Look forward to combing through more of your work. Thank you for reaching out and letting me know that many a good conversations are yet to be had.

_godshouldnhave

this is not about consent; unless you want to say that the youth had to give it. It is really about how a "cougar" allowed herself to be seduced. At the end, she has to tell him "where" to put it; suggesting that he is a virgin. Thanks for your feedback and the promise of future conversation. ~ Geezer.
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Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
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author comment

Mrs. Robinson!

you go!

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author comment
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