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The cages we have built

A church drowned in perennial delusions,
Through its tainted windows the sacred sun is shining
And in the eyes of these two giggling children
I see the truth, I see all the gods dying

With fear of death dancing on their faces,
These humans condemn yet live desire
They have forgotten of the graces
And the divine wisdom of the heart's fire

Clinging to faith and hope of redemption,
In worship they kneel and kiss the floor –
Do they not know of the wonder
Awaiting outside the gilded door?

And the priests, adorned in strands of velvet
They preach of the forgiveness of sins,
When obscured by the deadness of scriptures
Glimmers the light of the divine within

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words: 
Struck by these words when I was in a country church, listening to my uncle and grandfather delivering the Christmas service. Had to run out for pen and paper to catch them and pin them down.
Editing stage: 

Comments

the theme and the rhythm and rhyme. The scansion seems off a bit at times, but it could just be the way I'm reading it. You give very vivid life to the scene and I especially love the first four lines. ~ Geezer.
.

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... and I feel the same, upon reading it, the scansion indeed is off - something sounds not quite right, but I have never actually tried to work these things out except by ear. Any suggestions on how this might be improved?

 

Love,
Steph

... to remember what it felt like to have my being set alight
beneath the moon when I was full and I was dancing with the night
when I could see beyond my sight
when I could see beyond my sight

author comment

is the key. I read the lines that rhyme and listen for the syllable match. Now, I will say that it is not always the best thing to make sure that all the lines match perfectly, because sometimes it takes away from the work itself. I wrote one for my grandkids yesterday and because I wanted to get their names in it and not leave any of them out, I didn't take the time to make sure that it was perfect. That's ok, I said what I wanted to say and the kids had fun seeing their names in it. I usually try harder to make it smoother. It's a matter for the author to decide. I did like your poem and I don't want to re-write it, so either leave it be, or see what you might be able to do, by trying to leave out words, add words or change them so that the scansion is better. ~ Geezer.

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Thank you, so it's better to know it's all down to the ear. Glad to hear it didn't impair the impact of the poem!

 

Love,
Steph

... to remember what it felt like to have my being set alight
beneath the moon when I was full and I was dancing with the night
when I could see beyond my sight
when I could see beyond my sight

author comment

Your words permeate the very fabric of my existence.
Looking in the light for hope in a darkened world.
Love the flow of this piece rich in taste
Perhaps a little over done at times but the very message was clear.
Thank you for the opportunity to read it.

Mario Vitale

I'm glad to be of service! Could you perhaps tell me, how do you feel it's overdone? I'd love to hear your view, as we can all become pretty blind to faults in our works when we've already red them dozens of times.

 

Love,
Steph

... to remember what it felt like to have my being set alight
beneath the moon when I was full and I was dancing with the night
when I could see beyond my sight
when I could see beyond my sight

author comment

to me it appears
as the velvety clad priests
are cause of fear
on faces of those two kids

If not
I need condemnation
for such an erudite confrontation
I never refer to the thesaurus
unless some one blasts me

erudite
what did you mean
blasphemy

— the faces of those two kids were lit up with light, with joy, with delight in being alive - as kids normally are. Looking at them, the contrast between this raw life and dead, sober scripture and solemn songs was so striking it led me to write this poem.

 

Love,
Steph

... to remember what it felt like to have my being set alight
beneath the moon when I was full and I was dancing with the night
when I could see beyond my sight
when I could see beyond my sight

author comment

I started reading and thought the trail was going into the outside of their reality, to scud inside to see the real life form we carry.
Then you carried on with the theme closer to my God etc:.. I love to read your feelings poems as on your web page.
The use of "and " at the start of one of the lines is redundant, it is a thing that we all do.
I await your writes from those Ocean waves as they caress the distant shore, or the ones that ripple the sand, of eternity.
Take care and know we are here,
Yours as always Ian..xx

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

.... and to my God - my god is nature, and it's what we are straying further and further away from with each distraction that numbs our spirit. Writing this poem and feeling it want to speak through me was one of the most powerful experiences I have ever had in writing...

 

Love,
Steph

... to remember what it felt like to have my being set alight
beneath the moon when I was full and I was dancing with the night
when I could see beyond my sight
when I could see beyond my sight

author comment

There deep inside is an energy.
This energy makes stars collide
yet can touch the tear of a child.
It is your true self wrapped in a shell.
Nature and energy walk hand in hand
They make fun days with feelings
Never dividing a truth just directing it.
Have faith in those things you were taught
The old lady could only tell the truth.
As she loved you so.
Take care and keep writing, Yours Ian, x

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

a beautiful saying:
"we are stars wrapped
in skin, and the light
we are seeking
has always
been within".

Indeed...

 

Love,
Steph

... to remember what it felt like to have my being set alight
beneath the moon when I was full and I was dancing with the night
when I could see beyond my sight
when I could see beyond my sight

author comment

A beaut reply and lovely verse,
I noticed on the news today that they have just seen the collision of two Neutron Stars that happened many million years ago and as you believe the energy given out passes our small minded beliefs.
It has become a very bright star out there and released masses of energy that warps gravity.
But that's another story near as much energy as a woman in love or something like what Shakespeare would probably say. Take care,
Yours, Ian, and the Children xx

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

I commented on ur Octobery one
you asked me to ere u'd read mine too

not many read me
but some do
but those who comment
are a minuscule few

Do read my BLOG
whenever
also

To speak of today brings in reality.
Where we cage ourselves.
Some are scared of seeing,
The reflection in those mirrors
That life makes us cower when attacked

It beats us even when we are alone
Curses pass our lips as we struggle
These things are brought to us
On a velvet plate from others we let near.
Then in reality we cannot share

Alone to wander as if we are the last
Our works dictate that we have to be free.
Just you and me walking a barren place.
But I have the children they will rescue me.
As they know I journey in many spheres.

Why do you fear to be alone among friends
Times pass and these chances are decayed
Only by your own interpretation of your ways
Come walk with me the sun is growing cool
I fear not the change so hold my hand,

Yours as always Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

This is deftly written Steph, wow I can see the progress in just a few short pieces. It's no exaggeration to say that you guys have a better command of English than a large portion of my fellow countrymen and women, alas. For me, this speaks lucidly to the real task of the Church acknowledging it's abhorrent behaviour, and also to the prospect of being able to find the divine in the real world, in the beauty and majesty of nature that sits outside the sainted doors. Particularly lovely lines in the last stanza:

And the priests, adorned in strands of velvet
and:
Glimmers the light of the divine within

Strict metre aside - and that is a real sticking point for some - I think this is a great piece - written on an important topic. I wrote of the churches excesses here:
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/poems/rewrite-aureole-burning

So you're certainly not alone in expressing such sentiments. Poetry is an important tool for engaging with political and cultrual ideas. Great stuff, keep writing!

Thanks.

Take care,

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

Although this piece was written more than a year ago. I shared it on here because I've always wanted to see how others feel about it, and to get feedback - it's one of the poems that rings most true to me, culturally and socially. I am glad you enjoyed it.

 

Love,
Steph

... to remember what it felt like to have my being set alight
beneath the moon when I was full and I was dancing with the night
when I could see beyond my sight
when I could see beyond my sight

author comment

It saddens me that we are living in a culture that has drifted far away from morality. Instead they have adopted a fake Hollywood mentality. That claims I am what I do. We have turned are backs on the very notion of truth & embraced lust. As though one is on a raft near the shore then the occupant decides to snooze. Next thing you know they are out to sea. We all need to turn back to good wholesome morality. There are no more good role models that represent are nations youth.... Love should be the true rich essence of one's inner existence. There are lines being drawn in the sand. We cry out for justice yet one doesn't take the initiative themselves to put their faith in action. True faith isn't intellectualized it just is the substance of things unseen. There needs to be a voice with a deep crystalized message that is willing to turn the tide. There is something in the wind so I believe you need a real heart saturated with truth in order to stand the true test of time. If we can come together we can reclaim love once again by putting it in action.

Mario Vitale

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