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The Bye an Bye

The Bye an Bye..

Breaking through the morning mist,
elicit dreamer dares to hope.
Lightning forks has boldly kissed,
layers of grass on steepest slope.

Surely I have witnessed fair,
Breath taking sights no others see.
As frankest breeze parts each hair,
minds kick back, as I dream free.

Walking on wonders storied in mime,
night releases me from dark as I.
Create for each of us a better time,
drawn, are those images of bye an bye.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

I must say that I enjoyed your poem it's a nice one, keep sharing out.

Thank you Simon, and a heartfelt welcome to Neopoet. Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

good to see you posting again...wonderful imagery you have created here...a pleasure read..
......................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

Thank you Raj, I've had a tough few months, but things are getting easier now. Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

Sigh. I love my nighttime wanderings. Lately they have been too cold, go out in my condition. Thank you for taking me out of myself. Hugs.

Bravissimo. Beautiful imagery.

Cheers Jayne x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Thank you Jayne, sorry to hear your not getting out and about. Love Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

This is gorgeous work but not sure if your punctuation is creative or careless. I've read it as if it was intended just so.

My one real crit is the use of the word 'nature'. It's a bit like using the word 'beautiful' in a poem. There must be a better way.
Walking on wonders made by nature,
Walking on wonders
Walking on wonders of time water and wind,
get my drift?

https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/the-bye-an-bye-by-roscoe-lane
This is another I would like to post on social media. Is there any image you would like to accompany it? You could email me a jpg at [email protected] or send the URL of one you find online.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

Thank you Jess for the compliment, and of course your honest critique. I gave it some thought, and have edited my poem. Please let me know what you think/ Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

simple and effective. No fear of losing a baby here [grins].

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

Having recently mastered copy and paste I'm gonna use it with some notations to make a few changes that you might consider....or not of course :

Breaking through the morning mist,
elicit dreamer dares to hope.
Lightning forks has boldly kissed,
layers of grass on steepest slope.

Surely I have witnessed there,.......now "fair" is OK but seemed a bit old fashioned
Breath taking sights no others see.
As frankest breeze parts each hair,
mind kicks back, as I dream free...... I figured you don't really mean you have 2 minds

Walking on wonders set in mime,......some reason this just seems better
night releases me from dark as I
create for each of us a better time,
painted images of bye an bye.......try it this way and see how you like it

OK hope this didn't;t hurt because I'd not spend this much time on a poem I didn't already like......stan

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