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BUTTERFLIES IN HER STOMACH

The butterflies in her stomach startled,
They flutter like a fleet of birds from a tree
And spread about the horizon of her heart,
A murmuration of unguided affection.

Brown white eyes with depression on his cheeks
That whenever he smiled diastema bloomed.
A dainty face sat gallantly on brood shoulders
With heavy logs of locks flowing like a river.

That was the picture of him on her canvas
A perfect Adonis, if only she knew
He was onion, and onions have layers,
But every artist has a license to draw.

Each move, each step, each stride he took left
A hullabaloo in her heart, so she garnered
The courage to speak to her knight in shining armor
To let him know how her heart lept for him.

But a raging car wouldn't aid innocent dreams
Her aspirations were put to bed by squealing tires,
Her romantic desires a stillborn birth;
She looked into my eyes, it was hard to pass on.

I heard her soul calling mine as she faded,
An ebbing echo, a vapor diffusing,
I wish I heard her earlier, my heart was embedded,
I'd zipped it for all the ruins done by the past.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I get what you are going for here. There are a few things that I would change.

1] It would be a [flock] of birds.
2] I'm not sure of how people will take the brown white eyes. [I got the image of startling white with the brown iris] but...
3] Not depressions, [dimples]
4] [Diastema] I think that you were going for palpitation of the heart, but the word itself does not exist.
5 [Broad] not brood
6] locks of hair is sufficient. To use logs of hair in flowing like a river?
Your title was good, much better than the use of words. The theme is okay and the use of logic alright.
I thought the end was okay, but the image of a raging car, gave me a smile, rather than the image I think you were looking for. ~ Geezer.
.

Come to Chat on the Darkside
every other Saturday night 8pm to ?
Bring your dark and delicious work
to show.

Can't take that pain again, tragically protecting ourselves. But at what cost?
Peel out and wonder what if.
Well done

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