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Buried deep

Ariadne hangs her head low
As her eyes scan the pale cloudless sky
Mirrored from a slither of glass
Perched on an edge of earth below

Flying high, she sees, a truth that's buried deep
To reveal and let truth soar
Ariadne must first learn
to see straight
And with her sensitive senses,
navigate

Then capture this truth
that she has always known
In this dust of the walls
of the crumbling stone
Let it bleed back into earth
While hot steam
from cold blood
rises up through the maze
will finally ride on the backs of doves

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
This is an idea so far. It's very very rough but I just wanted to get the thoughts down before they disappear from my mind.
Editing stage: 

Comments

How well versed you are in modes of poetry and wouldn't begin to tell you how to develop this. I will say that I like the idea and hope that you continue to rhyme. There aren't that many people that rhyme these days, except for us older folks and novices. I guess that it is considered passé. Anyways, I look forward to you doing something more with this idea. ~ Geezer.
.

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Thanks Geezer
I'm liking how poetry gives us story telling for emotions.
I don't know what I'm trying to say in the poem yet. But a bit like the buried truth. It'll get discovered!
Thanks for your support!

author comment

full of stunning images, but understandable difficult to absorb. Ariadne is a complex goddess, for me most well known from the Richard Strauss opera Ariadne Auf Naxos, which I have seen a few times.
so many good lines and images here....
In the end your comments are most telling; my suggestion is to keep working at it until in your mind you know, you feel, what it is you are trying to say. even if its the relationship between this and that, there is core center, a theme of color or composition. Until you own it, we the reader will not be able to step back and appreciate it fully.
Often I start a poem like carving a stone, and what I end up with is not what I thought I had an idea to make..but that's ok, you find different veins in the marble which help guide you. But once you have found it, do not be shy to edit, cut, rearrange until you know you have achieved your goal.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Thank you, like marble, this new world of words for me is allowing me to slowly chip away unconsciously, finding the direction words take me.
Ariadne I didn't know about (it was a name only, and it just popped into my mind). I looked it up half way through and realised where the name came from. With the broken mirror I was referencing The Lady of Shallot.
So without meaning to I've mixed Arthurian and Greek mythology together.
A bit of a muddle mix so therefore probably hard to decipher.
When time allows I'll rework and edit and deepen the idea.
I so appreciate your comments. It's motivating!

author comment

rough draft.
I think you have captured an awful lot here.
I love the cadence you have given it and some wonderful imagery.
My only crit, is that you have used the word truth rather a lot and I'm sure there could be other synonyms or allusions to this holy grail.
Enjoyed the read enormously.
Jx

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Thank you Jane
I'll search for alternative truths!!

author comment

Alternative truths though! Eeek, sounds like like Trumpism. It's ok, I know you wouldn't go there.
My only crit to add, which is not a crit at all, is that for the reader to grasp the depth of this they need some understanding of who Ariadne is.
This is a huge dichotomy between poets, Stan (scribbler) and Wordsworth on one hand believing every word should be available to the 'common man', Auden, Eliot and others on the other hand finding incredible depths with certain assumptions of acknowledged, often classical, references. I tend to write in the former school, with only pop references, whilst appreciating both.
This reading I would like your permission to post to Neopoet.com on Facebook with your real name.
https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/buried-deep-by-scatterhatter

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Really? That'd be great. Wow thanks Jess I'm glad you liked it enough to do a reading.
I'm Stevie. Pleased to meet you sir!

author comment

Just wondered, did the idea for this come from " Bacchus and Ariadne" - as in the National gallery London, I like the opening line:

Ariadne hangs her head low

Then I realised after having a look that there are obviously clouds in that picture. Then the lines - quite striking, to me:

To reveal and let truth soar
Ariadne must first learn
to see straight

Is this Ariadne needing to liberate herself from Bacchus, and his madness? Just intriguing the motivations behind this poem. Very interesting, good ideas, keep 'em coming :)

Take care,
Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

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