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Broken
She sits alone in the darkness,
Suffering in silence
From the pain of a broken heart.
Crying because she misses him,
Unsure of what she had done,
To drive him away.
Was it all just a game?
Best friends they had been,
Love she thought they'd found.
The life she'd been dealt
Made it hard to trust him,
But she opened her heart,
to get it broken once more.
Her spirit's been lost,
Her Faith is running low,
Her heart grown cold,
And time has made her bitter.
She cries into her pillow,
Praying her pain will end.
Her strength is beyond compare
She had made it this far.
Tired of fighting.
Her heart beyond repair
All she wants is for one to love her,
For who she is inside.
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
themoonman
Tue, 2017-02-21 22:23
Hi Butterfly15
Everyone can relate to your
theme, it's one we all write about.
We all have the need to be loved.
Your 5th line;
"and puzzled by what she had done"
What had she done, you didn't tell
the reader or leave any clues ... or
was it supposed to be;
"and puzzled by what he had done"?
"but she opened here her heart"
I'd remove the "here".
"and let him in to get it broken one more"
Did you mean "once more" or "one more
time"?
"Her strength is beyond compare"
and then two lines down you have
"her strength is gone" ... that is a
contradiction. Did you mean to write
"her strength is beyond repair"?
I like the title, it doesn't really give
it away (until you start reading) and
it adds to it.
welcome to neopoet,
Richard
Keith Logan
Wed, 2017-02-22 05:48
That fifth line
I take that to mean she did not understand what she is supposed to have done.
she opened here her heart, to me makes perfect sense, at this time and place she let someone into the inner being in total trust. Her strength is beyond compare tells us she is a very strong woman, her strength gone, because even the strongest of us have our limits. I like this poem and what's more, I like this woman.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
themoonman
Wed, 2017-02-22 04:06
Hi Keith,
You're entitled to your opinion.
Esker
Wed, 2017-02-22 18:35
I know the cutters....dopers and survivors....goths
sums up the existance chastity of our wealthy free gov offers us
much survivalist modes of workers..help.pensions..in other countries
not so...
a bad end..
but your writing of experience is spot on...
being a survivor of sorts at fifty three and not getting
caught up in its levelling off of attention and age I have
developed modes of survival...
what worked at fifteen....twenty one...does not work at
fifty three...and I never became one of those
who said..
It happened to me..so why should I care about
what happens to U..
My abusers knew how I felt about them..
I never visited them alone...
empowerment is a rich scheme
but tiring after awhile....yawn..
they died..they got old..
and I work for the future now
not the horrid past..nor glorious future
which no one much puts effort into
all about their trade....kids univercity
buffering all from bad world..
ha...I lived from a horrid existance up
i work for the good
street people here give me high fives
yell.....I love U..
survival baby is the most important aspect
not towing to the insecure bullies
...ha..
they shut their faces when U roll in with
a vanload of survivors.
Hey how are U ..just passing through
..
excellent write
and welcome..
there is a new world
order as the end times
draws near..
U are Not alone!
Mr W
themoonman
Wed, 2017-02-22 22:20
Hi Butterfly15
Nice revision, I felt it improved
it, did you?
We have a great tool here, after
you edit a poem a new tab comes
up over the title, revisions.
If you select it and then select which
one's you want to compare and then
select compare ... you can see them
side by side.
Welcome again,
Richard
themoonman
Wed, 2017-02-22 22:43
Hi again,
Just wanted to add that any suggestions
made are only that. It's your poem and
only you can decide.
Thank you for the opportunity, if I hadn't
found the write interesting or felt I could
offer a way to improve it, very often I won't
comment at all ... unless I love it !!!!
Keith Logan
Thu, 2017-02-23 16:48
I love this poem
It is a powerful description of a strong person at a low point, something well worth considering for all of us, we all have low points. That's where true friends are invaluable.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines