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Briefest One (EDIT)

Standing at the platform of eternity
when the train shall
arrive
of that there is no certainty
let us continue
our own story

I with half-blind eyes
can see eternity vividly
the train's siren I clearly hear
with half deaf ear

await for me
keep me in your memory
for some time
all Neos please

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Please read post edit
Editing stage: 

Comments

I love the brevity of your poem. Nothing to criticize, you deftly say it all in a few lines.

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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

i though with half-blind eyes
I can now see eternity vividly

The train's siren I can clearly hear
with half deaf ear
So await for me
keep me in your memory
for some time
all neos please

author comment

Hi again, I'm not sure what neos means. I'm Argentine, so some English words or expressions escape my understanding. Below, I've made some suggestions to tighten up the verses, take or toss.

i (though)with half-blind eyes
(I)can (now)see eternity vividly

The train's siren I (can) clearly hear
with half deaf ear<<<<<I suppose it's to rhyme.
(So) Await for me
keep me in your memory
for some time
all neos please.

Enjoyed a lot.

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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

neos is NEOPOETS
Ma'am
Kindness thanks

author comment

have anything to criticize? Come on, lovedly, you usually have something I can point to! Good job. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

for encouraging this oldie
me

author comment

You is getting lazy no errors but as you can nearly see abbreviations foil the understanding of a few poets lol Take care older Brother, I had my eyes done and can see this world and the next come and join me in a place we can all know, just whisper my name and we will come see you, Yours Ian.T xx

Words can build a nation

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