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Briefest One (EDIT)
Standing at the platform of eternity
when the train shall
arrive
of that there is no certainty
let us continue
our own story
I with half-blind eyes
can see eternity vividly
the train's siren I clearly hear
with half deaf ear
await for me
keep me in your memory
for some time
all Neos please
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
Please read post edit
Editing stage:
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Comments
Gracy
Fri, 2020-03-06 13:32
I love the brevity of your
I love the brevity of your poem. Nothing to criticize, you deftly say it all in a few lines.
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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury
lovedly
Sat, 2020-03-07 00:30
Thank you so muchly
i though with half-blind eyes
I can now see eternity vividly
The train's siren I can clearly hear
with half deaf ear
So await for me
keep me in your memory
for some time
all neos please
Gracy
Sat, 2020-03-07 13:11
Hi again, I'm not sure what
Hi again, I'm not sure what neos means. I'm Argentine, so some English words or expressions escape my understanding. Below, I've made some suggestions to tighten up the verses, take or toss.
i (though)with half-blind eyes
(I)can (now)see eternity vividly
The train's siren I (can) clearly hear
with half deaf ear<<<<<I suppose it's to rhyme.
(So) Await for me
keep me in your memory
for some time
all neos please.
Enjoyed a lot.
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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury
lovedly
Sat, 2020-03-07 23:52
Thanks will amend
neos is NEOPOETS
Ma'am
Kindness thanks
Geezer
Fri, 2020-03-06 17:16
Doesn't anybody...
have anything to criticize? Come on, lovedly, you usually have something I can point to! Good job. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
lovedly
Mon, 2020-03-09 02:34
thanks a mighty Gee
for encouraging this oldie
me
Sparrow 42
Sun, 2020-03-08 19:51
Loved
You is getting lazy no errors but as you can nearly see abbreviations foil the understanding of a few poets lol Take care older Brother, I had my eyes done and can see this world and the next come and join me in a place we can all know, just whisper my name and we will come see you, Yours Ian.T xx
Words can build a nation