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Bride of the seasons (May Contest)
Put on your ornaments, O bride of the seasons,
long we've waited for
your passionate presence.
Stand for what you present, O bride of the seasons,
for whate'er you present
is more than beauty and
no less than perfection.
Dress up like no other, O bride of the seasons,
answer those fashionistas' calls.
Strut around with vivid hues,
bring the colors back home.
Open your heart and mind, O bride of the seasons,
let all those fruitful thoughts
bloom into blissful blossoms,
O bride of the seasons,
Sister of Aphrodite.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Contest:
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Jordan
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Comments
Geezer
Mon, 2017-05-22 10:11
i like the...
title alright, but I think that the bride of the season is really the season?
Maybe you could change the second line of the second quatrain to [bring]? You have a great idea, it just needs a little tidying up. ~ Gee.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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Rula
Mon, 2017-05-22 13:10
Thank you Gee
for the visit. Season should be "seasons" but not sure about the other suggestion. It is how I feel I wanted.
Thank you again
Much appreciate it.
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author commentRula
Tue, 2017-05-23 15:00
Mark
I'm happy you've enjoyed this one. It's a bit different from anything I used to write.
Thank you for your kind support.
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author commentweirdelf
Tue, 2017-05-23 23:52
You've handled the form with elegance and grace, Rula.
A lovely poem.
Here comes my cruel, devastating critique-
-for whate'er you present [I'm not sure if the dash at the beginning of the line is necessary, smiles]
It gives me great joy to see the growth and development of poets over the years. It is a unique aspect of Neopoet.
Kudos to your talent, commitment and work, and I'm sure no little credit can be attributed to your Mentor as well.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Rula
Wed, 2017-05-24 11:12
Jess
Many thanks for the visit and the feedback. This is just a form that I created as I was composing and this is how I heard it. I'm happy to know it appeals to you. As for the dash, I am not sure either. May be brackets can do the job. Let me think over it .
Again I appreciate your kind words. I know Wesley will be happy to hear what you have just said too.
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author commentscribbler
Tue, 2017-05-23 23:33
Hi Rula
I assume with the repeated line that this is a particular form. No surprise that this old pen wielder doesn't know what that form is lol. I liked this poem save one word : "strut". it just seems abit too ....arrogant? Maybe parade would work as well?.......stan PS thanks for entering contest......stan
Rula
Wed, 2017-05-24 11:16
Hello Stan
as I have just said to jess, this is not a form I know. I'm really happy to know that you like it. As for "Strut", I thought this is how Spring should look no less, but definitely appreciate the suggestion.
Many thanks.
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author commentlovedly
Thu, 2017-06-15 19:42
very creative ...I wonder how I missed it
but 'twould be better
if you'd specified
the bride
of which SEASON?
Rula
but the repetition
is such a lovely wonder