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Breath

I was walking in a glade
lost in the gentle sound of water
cascading over the terrain
bare feet caressed by silt
a remainder of what once was rock
I knew history leaves a mark of which I would be a part
stepping out I touched a tree fallen to the ground
made me wonder if anyone had heard the sound
I stepped in the water again
it wasn't the same
neither was my breath

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

the word cascading, you have to be careful of the usage. As you have used it, it comes after a word with an ending that makes it awkward. How about trying: In a glade, I walked down a cascade of stairs? [ Steps, seem a little short and blunt as opposed to stairs]. I'm not quite getting the message here. I would delete the words: "It wasn't the same, like". Those words kind of lead you off in another direction that has nothing to do with the rest of it. Just suggestions, if you keep those words, I would like to see an explanation for them. ~ Geezer.
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for taking time to read and comment....sorry to know this is short of your expectations and also wrong use of cascade...English is not my mother tongue which could be the reason ...sorry to disappoint...
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raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

that you may feel that your English is not always proper; being that it is not your mother-tongue. However, there are many people that would not even think to use the word, even though English IS their primary language! No shame here. I applaud your use of the word and the thought behind it. I only made mention of it, so that you might use it to your advantage. I always read your work with a pleasant feeling of anticipation and it may be that I don't grasp the idea behind your write, because of a difference in idea. Not your fault! You write beautifully and I'm impressed with your understanding of many subtleties in our cross-cultures. Thank you for sharing. ~ Geezer.
P.S. I love the edit and you did very well with the understanding of the word. Very nice!
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many thanks for coming back to read again and leave very encouraging comments....good to know that you liked the edits...thanks again for your good words which are like tonic...

regards..
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raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I think maybe I know what gives your poems that usual, uncanny flow: stream-of-consciousness writing (rather than the mechanical cut-up method, which I first guessed), right? In any case your poems, however they're produced, often contain anointed words of prophecy to my soul, like the lines "there is a castle in my mind / bold advances nothing wrong" which perfectly sums up and describes one of my favorite personal visions of my heavenly afterlife (so I've hoped and prayed), involving other people too.

"steps in a glade", leads to common sense if we whisper it in a dream concept,
Nice visualization with the water really good run.

Mario Vitale

I really, really like this one. Perhaps the footsteps in the silt will one day turn back to stone and far in the future some paleontologist will wonder what strange creature made them lol. But one thing keeps niggling at me . Water walking. I know what you are trying for (I think)..... maybe the sound of water accompanying me? No matter as this is Your poem and walking might be exactly the word you want.......stan

for taking the time to read and comment.....of course my poems are error prone...may be not being good in English ...
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raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I was lost in your words... I wished never to end this journey.
May be a 'fresh breath' is another title after this enjoyable journey'
Also the last line might read better as
'neither was my breath'
Don't know I might be wrong, just what I thought, experts might tell better.
Thank you for sharing this gem.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

for reading....good to know you liked it...your suggestion about the concluding line is implemented...thanks for the suggestion...
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raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
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