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breaking free

She had said she wears 32A
Yet to obtain an A
Never wrote a good essay
Haven't had the right words to say
Getting worried about her pay
Can't even describe her day
Asked him to stay
All she got was an okay
Now she hates schooling
Thinks its boring
Can't even love the morning

She's been forced to do Maths
Not to mention Physics
Followed her mothers dream
Dad said study medicine
She felt like its a sin

Days starting to be boring
The bae nagging a lot
Winter began to be hot

All she wanted was an agent
She wanted to be a model
Cramped up with major hindrances
Never attended a conference
Always knew the difference
Her mind needed clearance
Ran away to another province

Mama I'm sorry I'm unique
I can't study a textbook
I want Facebook
Just come take a look
I want the fame
I wan to be on a frame
I'm sorry Mama I'm unique

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I like this one. I'm partial to storytelling, and this one is good.

From a structural standpoint: try separating lines that are not rhyming from those that are; you might find that this gives the story elements more impact.
for instance, make the line
"Now she hates schooling"
the first line of a new stanza.
Give it a try, and see what happens.
The last stanza really speaks to me powerfully. I think you missed a 't' in the second to last line, but the whole verse really good, emotional and strong.

Keep writing, I like what I'm seeing.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

thank you for your advice and your view I'll surely try to do as you mentioned and appreciate your input

author comment

thank you for your advice and your view I'll surely try to do as you mentioned and appreciate your input

author comment
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