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BOSSMAN

Submitted by scribbler on Wed, 2015-10-14 13:15

My boss is bald and getting old
and growing a bit fat;
he moves so little he grows mold
and sometimes smells like he just shat.

He's slow while imploring speed
from all who call him boss
having to follow his lead
regardless if it's to their loss.

And he thinks he knows everything
(the SOB is usually right)
and anytime he tries to sing
dogs and children cry from fright.

He talks too much of times gone by
I reckon due to his advancing age
then sometimes looks up to the sky
to curse the years in silent rage rage.

All in all he's a sad sight
like a rat with which a stray cat toyed
and yet I sit down here and write
forced to admit I'm self employed.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Rhiannon1010

Wed, 2015-10-14 20:39

Rhiannon1010's picture

I really liked the cheeky tone of this poem and the twist at the end. That was really unexpected. I wonder, what prompted this poem? Is it a self reflection or is the speaker someone other than the author?

A few issues stood out to me, minor ones though. In the first line, it seems "if" was meant to be "is", and "sit" is repeated twice in line 19. Was that intentional or not? Also, if you'reopen to suggestions, I would take a look at line 16. It feels a bit awkward and doesn't read well. Yo may want to rework that line.

All in all a fruitful and entertaining poem. Well done.

scribbler

Thu, 2015-10-15 08:07

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I've been self employed and thus my own "boss" for most of my adult life. Anybody in that position, I suspect, sometimes wonders what employees think of him. So I took a worse case list of how I might be viewed and set it to poetry.
Thanks for the typo spots, I'll fix them now and I'm always open to suggestions and will look over line 16 for a few days and see what I can do...........stan

author comment

lovedly

Wed, 2015-10-14 20:48

lovedly's picture

in ur own house
as the twist had guaranteed

I agree with the lady
have mercy

hope she will
when ever she reads me
so far she hasn't dared
sorry miss
I meant cared ..

please be happy when you want to twist
Lovedly will dance
gladly with thee
if it will you please
but of course naturally

scribbler

Thu, 2015-10-15 08:10

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Kinda like an artist's self caricature I hope lol. Thanks for the visit........stan

author comment

weirdelf

Wed, 2015-10-14 23:32

weirdelf's picture
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but one of the worst written poems you have done. The meter is all over the place, forced and uncomfortable and don't try to tell me that was a purposeful technique to increase the discomfort of the poem.
I normally do Soundcloud posts for poems I admire, I'm doing this on Vocaroo so you can hear how bad it is and it won't be archival.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1ClSBDNm9GI
I know the discomfort of being one's own boss but your self-deprecation is a way of pleading for people to say you are not that bad.
This poem is that bad.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

scribbler

Thu, 2015-10-15 08:14

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I don't pay a lot of attention to meter when I do humor poems. I guess since the poems aren't serious I don't take them seriously when, perhaps I should. I'll listen to the cloud and then see if I can straighten this out at least a little bit.
The self deprecation in this poem is meant entirely for the purpose of humor.............stan

author comment

alidzain

Thu, 2015-10-15 05:40

alidzain's picture

please take a look at the first verse in the poem, please. Shouldn't ''if'' be ''is''?

Alid

scribbler

Thu, 2015-10-15 08:15

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Seen now and fixed. Thank you........stan

author comment

Lenny of Cohen

Thu, 2015-10-15 08:55

enjoyed the read.

thanks

_________________________________________
"Death" is nonsense: what is there to die?
"Life"? How could " life" "die"? That is a contradiction
in terms. Can "light" become "darkness"?
"Light" can only cease to be apparent

Wei Wu Wei

scribbler

Thu, 2015-10-15 10:19

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Good to have had you drop by.......stan

author comment

eliminist

Thu, 2015-10-15 15:46

Loved the twist at the end :) cheers

scribbler

Thu, 2015-10-15 16:21

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I have been accused of being twisted before lol. Thanks for coming by........stan

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